Sept. 3, 2024

Dealing with Elul Anxiety and Overcoming Addiction with Renowned Psychotherapist Mordechai Weiss

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Season 7

Discover how to harness Elul's spiritual potential while keeping anxiety at bay in our latest episode, featuring Mordechai Weiss, a compassionate licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. Learn from Mordechai's extensive expertise in Torah study and mental health as we discuss practical strategies for balancing spiritual aspirations with emotional well-being. 

From understanding the differences between motivating and debilitating anxiety to setting realistic and compassionate goals, this episode promises to equip you with tools to navigate Elul with serenity and purpose.

Explore the complex interplay between Yiras Shomayim (fear of Heaven) and anxiety and how to approach your spiritual duties without overwhelming stress. Through enlightening analogies and real-life examples, Mordechai sheds light on perfectionism in religious practices, helping you find a sustainable path to Avodas Hashem (service of God). We delve into the challenges and rewards of striving for personal growth, underscoring the importance of patience, self-honesty, and setting manageable goals to avoid burnout.

Join us for a heartfelt conversation about achieving true teshuvah (repentance) and cultivating lasting change as we approach the high holidays. By sharing personal anecdotes and Torah teachings, Mordechai offers valuable insights on transforming your spiritual journey into one marked by meaningful progress rather than unrealistic expectations. 

Whether you're grappling with perfectionism, struggling with the yetzer hara (evil inclination), or simply seeking a more balanced approach to spiritual growth, this episode provides a compassionate and practical roadmap for your Elul experience.

You can contact Mordechai or schedule an appointment at 732-860-5279. Mordechai provides video and phone sessions in English, Hebrew, and Yiddish.

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Questions or Comments? Please email me @ michaelbrooke97@gmail.com



Chapters

00:00 - Maximizing Elul in a Healthy Way

07:26 - Navigating Yiras Shomayim and Anxiety

20:42 - Navigating Perfectionism and Anxiety

27:04 - Balancing Perfectionism and Spirituality

37:42 - Reframing Perfectionism in Avodas Hashem

50:18 - Cultivating Patience and Commitment in Growth

55:50 - Cultivating Lasting Change in Avodah

01:06:39 - Understanding and Navigating the Yetzer Hara

01:15:17 - Practical Commitment and Resonating Motivation

01:27:50 - Navigating Self-Honesty in Growth

01:34:45 - Exploring Chuvah and Growth

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:00.642 --> 00:00:05.548
A good Chodesh to everybody and a good Chag Choshar V'sameach.

00:00:05.548 --> 00:00:16.004
Rosh Chodesh is a holiday, it's a moed, and especially with the impending or upcoming month of Elul, it's Rosh Chodesh, elul.

00:00:16.004 --> 00:00:25.393
Now you can almost hear the signs or the sounds of the shofar and with that, a little bit of a accelerated heartbeat.

00:00:25.393 --> 00:00:27.721
But we're all excited for ELL.

00:00:27.721 --> 00:00:44.594
I thought it would be important and quite helpful for many of us, including myself, to hear about how to maximize the month of ELL in a spiritually uplifting and empowering way.

00:00:44.594 --> 00:00:51.752
In a spiritually uplifting and empowering way, while also doing it in a healthy, not over-anxious or despairing type of way.

00:00:51.752 --> 00:00:54.728
And there is no better man that I can think of.

00:00:54.728 --> 00:01:02.090
This holy person Davin is right behind me in Shul, always there for free therapy.

00:01:02.090 --> 00:01:14.355
He is a licensed psychotherapist and I believe that he is also a Talmud of some of the greatest rabbis of our generation.

00:01:14.355 --> 00:01:23.453
You'll correct me if that's incorrect, but I'd like to welcome the famous Mordechai Weiss to the Motivation Congregation podcast.

00:01:24.840 --> 00:01:43.281
Thank you so much, michal, really appreciate the opening remarks and those kind words and I'm looking forward to trying to respond to some of those points that you just mentioned and hopefully that our discussion will be a tayala.

00:01:43.281 --> 00:01:59.316
There'll be thoughtful ideas that we'll discuss and hopefully we'll all be able to approach Elle in a virtual and healthy way so that we can use the experience in the way it'll be the most beneficial for everybody.

00:02:00.620 --> 00:02:02.408
Did I, I mean, I mean, I mean to that.

00:02:02.408 --> 00:02:04.302
Did I get that right?

00:02:04.302 --> 00:02:08.070
It's licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist.

00:02:08.070 --> 00:02:09.454
Is that the official title?

00:02:10.039 --> 00:02:11.441
Yeah, that's, that's all.

00:02:11.441 --> 00:02:15.183
That's all a good reference to who I am and what I do.

00:02:15.204 --> 00:02:21.687
So yeah, and they speak about you.

00:02:21.687 --> 00:02:31.854
The great rabbis speak about you very highly, and they're ones that I think that they even view you as a I think the right word is confidant, or they speak with you about it.

00:02:31.854 --> 00:02:35.978
Who I forgot who is the rabbis that you learn under?

00:02:42.305 --> 00:02:45.259
Just for the audience where did you study in yeshiva in your youth and who are your rabbis?

00:02:45.259 --> 00:02:49.388
Okay, so I studied in the Philadelphiailadelphia yeshiva, known as philly.

00:02:49.388 --> 00:02:58.538
I was there for a few years and then from there I went on to eric's thrall, learned from the briscoe briscoe kylul, and then, after I got married, um, I went back to eric's thrall.

00:02:58.538 --> 00:03:18.987
I had the biggest cost of being in eric's thrall for five years after I was married, and at that time I got close to Balibar Frinkel, the Chetanek, lev Rafa, and at the same time I also became close to what I think might be two of the foremost most of the personalities in our generation.

00:03:18.987 --> 00:03:21.727
Rav Rubin Leichter is one of them.

00:03:21.727 --> 00:03:23.145
He is a very prominent Talmudic.

00:03:23.145 --> 00:03:23.907
Rav Shlomo Volba.

00:03:24.241 --> 00:03:29.973
I'm obsessed with him, not to say obsessed with therapists, but I'm obsessed with Rabbi Ruben Leichter.

00:03:29.973 --> 00:03:31.125
Yeah, we've heard of him here.

00:03:34.182 --> 00:03:39.174
And as well as of Noach Orlowick, who is also a well-known mashkiach.

00:03:39.174 --> 00:03:43.419
Both of them authored several books or svarim and they're well-known in the chinuch world.

00:03:43.419 --> 00:03:57.304
Several books or Svarim and they're well known in the Chinook world, definitely big thinkers in terms of psychology, what we call Chinook, shalom, bayes, musser how to work on oneself, self work, working with others.

00:03:57.304 --> 00:04:19.860
So definitely they both have been tremendous influences on my life and I consider it a big skutz that I learned from them for several years and both have been tremendous influences on my life and I consider it a big success that I learned from them for several years and I still keep up the shyness and I still learn from them and that's a very you know, that's extremely, extremely helpful for the work that I do within the firm community working with clients.

00:04:19.860 --> 00:04:26.024
It's very hard to separate the clients that I see even in my office.

00:04:26.024 --> 00:04:27.625
That's brilliant.

00:04:55.019 --> 00:05:02.142
And that is quite the bullpen and lineup of rabbinic personalities I didn't know.

00:05:02.142 --> 00:05:03.226
You learned in the Brisker Kylo.

00:05:03.226 --> 00:05:11.706
That's some top-end, high-end learning, and you're in Kylo longer than I've been in Kylo, so let's hope that I can get past the five-year mark.

00:05:11.706 --> 00:05:15.374
But I think you're the perfect man then for the job.

00:05:15.374 --> 00:05:31.732
I come to you holding a message of wanting help for myself and for fellow as you call them, clients, fellow Bachram, jewish youth, maybe even adults.

00:05:32.779 --> 00:05:38.132
Elul is my favorite time of the year because I love that.

00:05:38.132 --> 00:05:41.749
It's a short month and the Elul's man in yeshiva ain't six months.

00:05:41.749 --> 00:05:43.526
It ain't like the winter's man or the summer's man.

00:05:43.526 --> 00:05:44.432
Elul's intense and yeshiva ain't six months.

00:05:44.432 --> 00:05:45.538
It ain't like the winter's man or the summer's man.

00:05:45.538 --> 00:05:53.312
El is intense and um definitely in the confines of the on the walls of yeshiva.

00:05:53.312 --> 00:05:59.964
El is famous, along with the impending judgment and notwithstanding um.

00:05:59.964 --> 00:06:41.293
Definitely included in all this is also a fair amount of anxiety, and perhaps even a bit of some unhealthy anxiety, which I like to pose the question to you directly Is there a way that we can keep Elul a strong I don't want to say intense month, but a different than all the other months type of idea that there is the high holidays and judgment coming up, but is there a way to go about it and how would you advise somebody that wants to go about it in a really, really productive way, but a non-anxious and completely healthy way?

00:06:49.060 --> 00:06:49.281
healthy way.

00:06:49.281 --> 00:07:00.612
That's a really excellent question and it's something, Michal, that very much is relevant to so many people and while the discussion that we're going to talk about is pertains to Elul, but of course it also can come up in all areas of Avaytus Hashem.

00:07:00.612 --> 00:07:25.975
So Elul, as you mentioned, is a time of generally where people are feeling more intense because of the seriousness of the days, but at the same time, Aved Hashem in general is serious, and often anxiety can be mixed in there in an unhealthy way, and those people as well, even who are not specifically wondering about Elul, but even people who might be wondering about in general.

00:07:25.975 --> 00:07:32.434
How do I approach the seriousness of Aved HaSashem without creating some form of unhealthy anxiety?

00:07:32.434 --> 00:07:36.190
I think that would be relevant to think about it in that broader way as well.

00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:41.531
You have my attention and I'm sure you have the rest of the world's attention.

00:07:41.531 --> 00:07:43.386
So what's the secret sauce?

00:07:43.386 --> 00:07:44.007
How do I know?

00:07:44.007 --> 00:07:47.050
How about let's go like this and get very, very, very direct?

00:07:47.050 --> 00:07:56.444
How do I know that something is a step too far and maybe closer into the pool of anxiety and not healthy?

00:07:56.444 --> 00:07:57.947
Yiras Shomayim.

00:08:00.072 --> 00:08:00.312
Yes.

00:08:00.312 --> 00:08:25.237
So I want to reflect a little bit on what I was saying before and what was brought up in terms of my background, and that is also why I feel that in some way, I hope that I would consider myself qualified to respond to this is because I've also not only is my response going to be, you know, based on what psychology thinks about anxiety and what's healthy and what's unhealthy.

00:08:25.237 --> 00:08:36.432
Definitely a lot of my thinking on this topic is influenced by Torah perspective, by the Rebbeim that I learned by as well, in terms of how to approach Levitas Hashem in a healthy way.

00:08:36.432 --> 00:08:41.700
So definitely it's something that I've learned about, and I also sit with clients.

00:08:41.700 --> 00:08:43.649
This is what I do pretty much a whole day.

00:08:43.649 --> 00:08:51.519
I do have several specialties, so I specialize in anxiety and OCD and the third one is Kedusha struggles.

00:08:51.519 --> 00:08:55.490
Maybe that's something we'll talk about as well at some point during our conversation.

00:08:55.490 --> 00:08:57.741
So those are my three areas of specialty.

00:08:57.741 --> 00:09:09.907
Anxiety and OCD are very closely related and since I sit with people who you know struggle with these, these areas so definitely something that I had a chance to think about.

00:09:09.907 --> 00:09:16.446
I've grown through getting to know what you know, what's happening in people's lives and how to help them, how to work with them.

00:09:16.446 --> 00:09:21.063
So I do hope that my answer then will be on target and will be helpful.

00:09:21.203 --> 00:09:27.001
Okay, so let's try to talk about anxiety and how do we approach all this in a healthy way.

00:09:27.001 --> 00:10:06.053
So the first thing we have to understand is that, when it comes to Elul or Yom HaNerom and all those times that are considered, you know, days of awe, and there's judgment and all of that, we have to recognize that Yerushalayim does not mean being nervous or under stress, and any time that we are going to be using some form of a Torah-based approach to something including Yerushalayim, it has to be something that's workable and functional.

00:10:06.053 --> 00:10:34.284
So, since the way we see people who are under stress, under direct, under tension, when people stop functioning well, when people are suffering because of what they might think, let's say, is the requirement or the religious requirement, so we first need to just have a corrective understanding of what the Torah perspective actually is.

00:10:34.284 --> 00:10:56.447
So I think we need to talk a little bit about that first and then maybe I'll shift a little bit to anxiety.

00:10:56.447 --> 00:10:58.827
Perfect, perfect, okay, perfect, perfect.

00:11:00.009 --> 00:11:27.658
And while that is something that's important, but we have to recognize that the fear that they are referring to is something that is very constructive, something that can be used in a way and the best way that I think that we could translate it in English to the way that might look like would be to approach either these days or this subject with a sense of seriousness and awe.

00:11:27.658 --> 00:11:36.710
When you approach something with seriousness and awe, it's because you take the topic or you take the moment seriously.

00:11:36.710 --> 00:11:38.899
There's something very serious on the table that we need to be doing.

00:11:38.899 --> 00:11:45.732
There's some very important that's another word that we can use a very important endeavor that has to happen.

00:11:45.732 --> 00:11:53.201
For example, in Elul, the call of the hour is Truva, and there's something that we need to be working on.

00:11:53.201 --> 00:11:55.207
We need to be working, we need to be doing something.

00:11:55.227 --> 00:12:20.232
So, therefore, we need to attach a great importance and a great seriousness to what's in front of us, but we have to also recognize that that's different than saying that we have to be in a state of fear or being overwhelmed or stressed, which we know both from you know experience and we know from what works is that that doesn't work.

00:12:20.232 --> 00:12:21.500
It just doesn't work.

00:12:21.500 --> 00:12:26.144
When we're overwhelmed and we're fearful, what happens is people just freeze.

00:12:26.144 --> 00:12:45.490
You know, either you freeze or you get overwhelmed, and definitely anything you do in that state can be done in a way that you is well thought out and it typically doesn't have any lasting effect is just to get shaken up and just to feel overwhelmed a little bit.

00:12:45.490 --> 00:12:57.346
And when it comes to the Elo, you feel super overwhelmed and then you breathe a sigh of relief, matzah and kippur, and you say, thank God, I hope I made it through this and that's the whole purpose.

00:12:57.346 --> 00:13:02.030
That doesn't seem too rational it can't be, yeah, wow.

00:13:02.110 --> 00:13:02.692
It cannot be.

00:13:04.620 --> 00:13:06.245
But isn't today so serious?

00:13:06.245 --> 00:13:07.831
Isn't the topic so serious?

00:13:07.831 --> 00:13:09.484
So I have some analogies for that.

00:13:09.484 --> 00:13:12.009
You know a brain surgeon or a heart surgeon.

00:13:12.009 --> 00:13:15.063
Definitely, what they're doing is very serious.

00:13:15.203 --> 00:13:21.864
You know the slightest wrong move and you know that has a disastrous outcome.

00:13:21.864 --> 00:13:30.869
You know somebody who's working in the army and somebody you know who's loading ammunition onto you know the bomber plane.

00:13:30.869 --> 00:13:33.274
That's very super serious.

00:13:33.274 --> 00:13:35.927
You know you don't want to mess up when you're doing that kind of work.

00:13:35.927 --> 00:13:37.703
You don't want to just be.

00:13:37.703 --> 00:13:42.140
You know, whatever I'll just, you know, let me pass you those explosives and sort of cross the room.

00:13:42.140 --> 00:13:45.330
No, that's not the way you handle it.

00:13:45.370 --> 00:13:48.649
But at the same time, the last thing a brain surgeon.

00:13:49.052 --> 00:14:03.405
You don't want a brain surgeon who's nervous before he comes into the operating room and you don't want somebody who's working in the army to be shaking in fear as he's dealing with the you know ammunition that he's got to be working with.

00:14:03.586 --> 00:14:09.292
You want somebody who is calm, very calm, one second.

00:14:09.292 --> 00:14:17.190
But doesn't that mean that they will be lackadaisical and non-caring and they'll, you know, approach the whole thing as if it makes no difference?

00:14:17.190 --> 00:14:43.250
No, of course not, because being calm is not a contradiction to taking the work as something that is serious, something that's important, something that you need to be doing with care and attention, but that does not mean, though, that it has to be in a state of shock and a state of feeling overwhelmed, which is completely unproductive.

00:14:43.250 --> 00:15:06.442
So, I think, clarifying what seems to be the Torah-based approach, just to be able to say that, hey, we have to first recognize what is the truth about what the Torah wants from us when it comes to El Yom Teruah, and if we can kind of make that assumption that what I said now is correct and, again, I'm not making this up myself- this is a million dollar answer.

00:15:08.326 --> 00:15:11.754
I love the way that you've kind of came at it through.

00:15:11.754 --> 00:15:19.561
You know, first there's the Torah sources, because you know part of it is keeping the authenticity of Elo and working through that.

00:15:19.561 --> 00:15:27.666
It is Yom sound a little bit easier than mayim and eish, if I'm catching it properly, is that is staying calm but staying real?

00:15:27.666 --> 00:15:52.407
Maybe enlighten me a little bit more.

00:15:52.407 --> 00:15:53.625
How do I tell the difference?

00:15:53.625 --> 00:15:57.931
How can I tell the difference between Yerash HaMayim and anxiety?

00:16:01.902 --> 00:16:03.427
I'd have to say it in a few words.

00:16:03.427 --> 00:16:07.589
It's when we are being productive or we're being unproductive.

00:16:07.589 --> 00:16:15.466
You know, I too learned in yeshivas, where you felt that level of intensity.

00:16:15.466 --> 00:16:16.148
You know when it comes.

00:16:16.148 --> 00:16:25.961
You know when you just start getting those butterflies in your stomach and you feel frozen and now you can't really do anything.

00:16:25.961 --> 00:16:41.880
You know, or you're just feeling overwhelmed, or you hear some schmooze and you're just again you're feeling so overwhelmed from that, then that's a good way of knowing that there's really not much that's productive about this and this is not going to be a productive form of Yerushalayim.

00:16:41.900 --> 00:16:43.543
Yes, it sounds like it's the thing.

00:16:43.543 --> 00:16:46.109
It's fear of heaven or fear of God or fear of judgment.

00:16:46.109 --> 00:16:53.831
But it can't be that the fear that they're describing in the Shemarim is asking to have this type of fear that becomes completely unproductive.

00:16:53.831 --> 00:16:57.143
In fact, we saw Salanter in one of his letters.

00:16:57.143 --> 00:17:00.947
He described Yerushalayim as being a productive force.

00:17:00.947 --> 00:17:04.932
He says Yerushalayim is the force that drives people into action.

00:17:04.932 --> 00:17:23.005
So if Yira becomes a force of inaction and that shuts us down and that allows us to just feel overwhelmed and stressed, and that we feel like we can't do anything or anything that we can formulate, any type of work we can formulate in those moments is short-lived and it's not based on any calm approach.

00:17:23.005 --> 00:17:32.315
That's a pretty good sign that we are not using the era that's called for in these days in the correct manner.

00:17:33.175 --> 00:17:33.916
It's incredible.

00:17:35.020 --> 00:17:56.707
It comes to mind the whole Elul, I believe, is very much in the sources built up as from the Rashi Tevis, the acronym of Ani the Dodi the Dodi Lee, that verse from Shira Shirim, which, which is is one positive that just basically means this is a relationship of love Ani the Dodi the Dodi Lee, I'm to my beloved and my beloved is to me.

00:17:57.101 --> 00:18:14.862
So it is kind of interesting to go back to the very source of the whole thing, which is that if God is some big, scary father and it invokes fear and it's not constructive, we can be pretty certain maybe that's not what El is supposed to be used for.

00:18:14.862 --> 00:18:31.222
In turning the page here before the show, going back and forth a little bit and being able to understand a little bit about the value that I thought all of the world, or as many people that listen to the motivation congregation, very much need to hear.

00:18:31.222 --> 00:19:06.771
You had mentioned that what you see in your experience and experience is and meetings with people is there is a fair amount of anxiety that is provoked because of something that you call perfectionism, which I believe, if I studied enough English or listened to my dad enough means that people are obsessed with being perfect and somehow that leads towards some ill effects.

00:19:06.771 --> 00:19:10.724
Uh, mr mordechai, would you care to elaborate on that?

00:19:11.547 --> 00:19:29.142
definitely, definitely, um, okay, should I first reflect a little bit on what I I was saying before, that we could kind of divide the um religious perspective on how to approach owl, and then, in terms of, like anxiety, what's considered healthy and not.

00:19:29.142 --> 00:19:30.545
Should I speak a little bit about that first?

00:19:30.545 --> 00:19:30.905
Yes, perfect, okay.

00:19:30.905 --> 00:19:35.885
So just to answer the part about, you know, anxiety, when it's considered, you know, healthy or unhealthy.

00:19:35.885 --> 00:19:43.728
It's very similar to what we discussed till now and it basically, you know, comes down to if it's productive or not, right.

00:19:43.728 --> 00:19:56.730
So as long as somebody says, hey, I'm feeling a little bit of pressure, a little bit of a push, a little bit of something that you know giving me a, pushing me into action, that's fine, you know.

00:19:56.791 --> 00:20:05.492
And as long as people in general are functioning well, then we don't necessarily consider that an anxiety problem, because it's not a problem.

00:20:05.492 --> 00:20:08.046
You know, it becomes a problem when it's a problem.

00:20:08.046 --> 00:20:31.772
It becomes a problem when people are suffering, when somebody is not functioning well because of their anxiety, when somebody is feeling, you know, worn down physically there can be physical symptoms when they're obsessing with worry or all kinds of thoughts in their mind and that interferes and proper functioning and just living a calm life.

00:20:31.772 --> 00:20:34.319
That's when we consider anxiety a problem.

00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:43.075
So when it becomes excessive and it becomes non-functional or interferes in functioning, that's when we consider it a problem.

00:20:43.075 --> 00:20:47.405
I want to just address that point and I think it kind of falls off.

00:20:47.425 --> 00:20:55.366
The first point Definitely definitely, and I want to mention that I'm sure there's different parts of anxiety.

00:20:55.366 --> 00:21:05.429
That is one your specific specialist in is obsessive compulsive disorder and that is called OCD for short.

00:21:05.429 --> 00:21:07.953
Is that a type of anxiety?

00:21:07.953 --> 00:21:08.694
Is that?

00:21:10.601 --> 00:21:12.003
Yes, yes, that's a very good question.

00:21:12.003 --> 00:21:23.291
Um, so I believe that in the, you know, we have what's called DSM and that is the Bible, so to speak, for mental health, and in there they classify all the disorders.

00:21:23.291 --> 00:21:32.231
And I think in the previous version of the DSM they did put OCD as a class under anxiety.

00:21:32.231 --> 00:21:41.303
Since then they separated it and they made it its own disorder, but simply because it had its own defining features, and that's kind of the reason that they separated it.

00:21:41.303 --> 00:21:45.652
But that's kind of just the clinical response.

00:21:45.792 --> 00:21:51.249
But I think what's more relevant is that definitely, ocd is a form of anxiety.

00:21:51.249 --> 00:21:54.501
Ocd always comes along with anxiety.

00:21:54.501 --> 00:21:59.961
Those who experience OCD are anxious about whatever it is that they're obsessing about, whatever behaviors they're doing.

00:21:59.961 --> 00:22:24.394
So it has a lot of similarities but there are differences and often you know there can be somebody who's very knowledgeable about treating anxiety, but not specifically OCD or the reverse, and you do need to have, you know, good awareness and training in each of those things, because there are some nuances and differences in the approach that we use to treat OCD and anxiety.

00:22:25.414 --> 00:22:48.632
So, now that we have clarified exactly what everyone's suffering from and struggling with and what we all need help with, be it as it may, so now Rosh Hashanah, yom Kippur, is coming and there is this drive to repent, I'd like to wake up on time for Shacharis every day.

00:22:48.632 --> 00:22:50.945
I'd have it at 7.30.

00:22:50.945 --> 00:23:11.309
I'm going to be personal, it'll be like some free therapy and I like to be there at 7.25 so I can gather my thoughts and put my tefillin on in a very calm and measured way, maybe even have some time to say the morning karbonos, those sacrifices, and get the keyar in there and the karbon tamid.

00:23:11.309 --> 00:23:22.111
But I can't promise or make a shavua that I always am on time and I would like to perfect that this coming Elul.

00:23:22.111 --> 00:23:25.108
That's one of my kabbalahs, one of my commitments.

00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:27.705
I'd like to perfect that this coming Elul.

00:23:27.705 --> 00:23:28.652
That's one of my cabalas, one of my commitments.

00:23:28.652 --> 00:23:33.270
I'd like to be perfect at it and I'd like to turn over or on the stop of a dime, stop waking up late.

00:23:33.270 --> 00:23:47.222
I know that ain't exactly how it goes about In making a commitment to wake up on time and dealing with anxiety in this way, in dealing in the search for perfection in this way and hoping to turn the leaf over.

00:23:47.222 --> 00:23:57.532
Could you advise me, doctor, as to, or, mordechai, as to, how to best go about this in the most healthy and productive way?

00:23:59.840 --> 00:24:01.547
So let's talk about perfectionism.

00:24:01.547 --> 00:24:11.853
You know that you brought up and I think that that's a topic that hopefully can be relevant and whatever we discuss, it can be helpful to a lot of people.

00:24:11.853 --> 00:24:28.087
So we are a society that very much values outcome, that values performance, and that definitely rubs off on our approach to religion as well, and that's the focus of our discussion here.

00:24:28.087 --> 00:24:35.354
So when religion becomes about performance and outcome, that's basically what we call perfectionism.

00:24:35.354 --> 00:24:52.712
You know, perfectionism means that I need to be doing everything perfectly, I need to be functioning perfectly and I need to get to the desired outcome and result that I would like, and if not, and if I don't get there, then I can feel very crushed from that.

00:24:52.712 --> 00:24:55.347
That's what could happen on the one end.

00:24:55.347 --> 00:24:58.028
So there's basically two things that could happen right.

00:24:58.028 --> 00:25:09.574
So if I set my bar as needing to be perfect and needing to do whatever it is that I'm working on in a very perfect way, so on the one hand, I could work in a way that's completely non-functional.

00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:16.964
So sometimes we have boys who will suddenly devote themselves to learning in a very perfectionistic way.

00:25:17.540 --> 00:25:24.451
They want to be the gagohadar and they may learn way more than they're capable of handling.

00:25:24.451 --> 00:25:41.055
Too many hours, not enough sleep, not taking care of their basic needs, not socializing the way a young man needs to, and you know they can pretty much cause themselves to get burnt out or to suffer other mental health consequences along the way.

00:25:41.055 --> 00:25:48.486
Many of those type of boys show up in my office and the underlying problem there is is one of perfectionism.

00:25:48.486 --> 00:25:59.827
So there's an approach of approaching this thing that I want to excel in learning, or I want to excel in whatever it is, or I need to dive in in a certain way, or I need to work in a certain way.

00:25:59.988 --> 00:26:16.421
And if the way I'm working is needing to be perfect, so then you work like a madman or you work in a way that's completely not necessarily according to one's own nature or their capabilities, and that can, of course, create a lot of anxiety, right?

00:26:16.421 --> 00:26:22.894
So anxiety shows up for us when we feel overwhelmed and incapable of dealing with what's in front of us.

00:26:22.894 --> 00:26:27.188
That's typically what creates anxiety we can't deal with the circumstances.

00:26:27.188 --> 00:26:39.813
So if religion becomes so pressuring, so overwhelming, then I'm going to feel pretty anxious because I can't possibly live up to the demand that's in front of me and that'll just make me feel worried and make me feel nervous.

00:26:41.500 --> 00:26:42.602
But you can't be asking me.

00:26:42.602 --> 00:26:52.336
You can't be asking me, then, to then accept complacency and to therefore therefore just become an average Joe and not a great Torah sage, because that sounds even worse.

00:26:52.940 --> 00:26:54.000
Right, that's very good.

00:26:54.000 --> 00:26:54.961
That's a good question.

00:26:54.961 --> 00:26:59.703
That's a good question.

00:26:59.703 --> 00:27:10.749
We are so used to thinking in terms of perfectionism that your assumption is the automatic assumption of what people think is the alternative.

00:27:10.749 --> 00:27:23.296
Well, if I'm not going to be perfect and if I'm not going for perfection, then, mordecai, you're basically advocating for complacency, you're advocating for mediocrity, because why should I do anything?

00:27:23.395 --> 00:27:26.917
I'm going to be a Beny for the rest of my life.

00:27:27.298 --> 00:27:28.238
Yeah, yeah.

00:27:28.238 --> 00:27:41.099
So that, I think, just shows us how much this perfectionistic view is entrenched, that we think that it's either that or the alternative is sitting on a couch and eating chips.

00:27:41.099 --> 00:27:42.990
Here I'll show you what the alternative is to perfectionism.

00:27:42.990 --> 00:27:43.755
That doesn't mean sitting on a couch with your feet up.

00:27:43.755 --> 00:27:44.161
You know eating chips.

00:27:44.161 --> 00:27:45.009
Here I'll show you what the alternative is to perfectionism.

00:27:45.009 --> 00:27:46.969
That doesn't mean sitting on a couch with your feet up.

00:27:46.969 --> 00:27:49.416
You know, eating chips and drinking soda.

00:27:49.857 --> 00:27:57.463
The alternative to perfectionism saying that there's something important and there's something serious in front of me that needs to get done.

00:27:57.463 --> 00:27:59.807
Learning is very important.

00:27:59.807 --> 00:28:02.594
Bisul Taira super serious.

00:28:02.594 --> 00:28:05.301
Davening very important.

00:28:05.501 --> 00:28:19.497
Now, how do I approach this important, serious task in a way that's manageable, in a way that's doable, in a way that's according to my nature, in a way that's going to make sense, in a way that's going to last?

00:28:19.497 --> 00:28:32.624
That seems to be a great alternative to saying that there's some demand that needs to be reached and there's some outcome I need to get to, which then says that I'm only going to be working in a very unproductive, crazy way.

00:28:32.624 --> 00:28:33.826
That's not going to last.

00:28:33.826 --> 00:28:42.788
It seems so logical, but it's almost a logic that's lost to so many of us because we don't like.

00:28:42.848 --> 00:29:05.153
You think that if you're not going to have now, here comes a you know a hot word or maybe what's going to be a hot topic like, if I'm not going to have the drive or the desire to be like I don't know what, like the god, then the alternative is that I'm going to sit and do nothing, which, um is, uh, you not really the case.

00:29:05.153 --> 00:29:12.660
You know, I think you could have a Sha'ifa, not to be the Gad al-Hadar, but just you take the work that's in front of you very seriously.

00:29:12.660 --> 00:29:15.807
Now I personally have like 15 Mekairis.

00:29:15.807 --> 00:29:18.532
You know in Chazal and Svarim that, you know that's the case.

00:29:18.532 --> 00:29:21.780
But Sha'ifas is like all the rage, you know.

00:29:21.780 --> 00:29:24.363
Every yeshiva boy knows you have to have Sha'ifas.

00:29:24.363 --> 00:29:28.925
Now, I'm not opposed to Shaifis as long as they're working and they're not killing anybody.

00:29:29.726 --> 00:29:40.972
The problem is so many boys who come into my office and so many people in society and even those don't come into my office are killed by this perspective that says you need to reach and be something.

00:29:40.972 --> 00:29:48.356
That's completely unattainable, completely it's beyond anybody's reach, but you need to get there.

00:29:48.356 --> 00:30:00.105
So either you have two options Either you work like a madman and then you burn out at some point, or you just keep on working but you wrecked yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, or you just despair.

00:30:00.105 --> 00:30:04.586
You know, because you realize after a short time, since how long it takes you to realize that.

00:30:04.586 --> 00:30:07.999
But most of us will not be Reb Chaim Kaniyavsky.

00:30:07.999 --> 00:30:13.688
There was only one Reb Chaim Kaniyavsky, that's it what should I aspire to be like?

00:30:13.779 --> 00:30:13.882
now?

00:30:13.882 --> 00:30:15.818
I feel unempowered yeah.

00:30:18.006 --> 00:30:24.161
So the alternative is to work to be what you can be.

00:30:24.161 --> 00:30:25.671
Now, people know these sayings too, but they don't seem to be like.

00:30:25.671 --> 00:30:25.775
They don't to be what you can be.

00:30:25.775 --> 00:30:25.796
Now.

00:30:25.796 --> 00:30:28.846
People know these things too, but they don't seem to be like they don't seem to be.

00:30:28.846 --> 00:30:32.470
They don't use this way to apply themselves.

00:30:32.470 --> 00:30:34.226
They all know that.

00:30:34.226 --> 00:30:42.506
You know that there's a famous Zisha that he said, david is going to ask him why would you like, zisha, I could say these words, but I don't say these words.

00:30:42.506 --> 00:30:49.188
But still, people, it takes a while to integrate this way into our thinking that, no, I'm going to be what I can be.

00:30:49.188 --> 00:30:51.192
That's not mediocrity.

00:30:51.192 --> 00:31:01.872
That's simply saying I'm going to try to be what I can be by taking whatever I need to do in the way that Hashem seriously why do I have to reach for something that's completely beyond my reach?

00:31:02.012 --> 00:31:03.236
Why that the way to work?

00:31:03.998 --> 00:31:12.193
if this is so novel, it's so novel, it's so novel I had a russian shiva, so I had, of course you know I had.

00:31:12.193 --> 00:31:13.803
I had the talmidim, you know.

00:31:13.803 --> 00:31:14.885
Come to me for the help.

00:31:14.885 --> 00:31:18.565
You know, after they maybe try to go to the rabbeim and they don't get the help they need.

00:31:18.565 --> 00:31:29.124
So they send them here or they come here and, and this talmud wanted to be, you know, he actually had had some pretty and he wanted to be like his, you know, whatever and like those.

00:31:29.124 --> 00:31:32.366
You know that he worked to be all those things.

00:31:32.840 --> 00:31:36.105
But he was suffering emotionally tremendously.

00:31:36.105 --> 00:31:37.482
He was full of anxiety.

00:31:37.482 --> 00:31:41.844
His davening became a burden and took terribly long.

00:31:41.844 --> 00:31:46.287
He was learning, you know, friday night till two in the morning and he wasn't sleeping enough.

00:31:46.287 --> 00:31:55.886
So the kid was on the way to giving himself, I don't know what, but he was definitely suffering now and if he continues like this he's going to be a mess.

00:31:55.886 --> 00:31:58.884
So they send him to me.

00:31:58.884 --> 00:32:08.616
So there's no way and this goes back to what I said before I need to be able to talk a perspective that pertains to Al, uh, you know, to my clients, because no one's gonna listen.

00:32:08.656 --> 00:32:10.161
He's not gonna listen, right, what am I?

00:32:10.181 --> 00:32:21.042
gonna say don't be anxious, because it says in you know my psychology book that you have to, you know, be calm, and that you shouldn't work in a way that, no, but the tyrant says, don't you know that you have to work with sheifas?

00:32:21.364 --> 00:32:24.510
the ram bum says we could be as great as Moshe Rabbeinu Right very good.

00:32:24.550 --> 00:32:28.188
You know you have all the Mekaius, so they have, I know all these Mekaius, it's a good thing.

00:32:28.188 --> 00:32:31.786
But I also know all the other Mekaius, right, so I have to speak to them about it.

00:32:31.786 --> 00:32:32.463
I have no choice.

00:32:32.463 --> 00:32:44.232
You know I don't have a beard, you know, but have to be able to speak to them about how do you approach a way to shem in a calm way.

00:32:44.232 --> 00:32:47.496
So I do have to talk about she is and I do have to tell the kids.

00:32:47.496 --> 00:32:51.708
Some of what I'm sharing with you here is that they're you know I talk about as a discussion.

00:32:51.708 --> 00:32:53.682
I don't like to tell them, you know, but I have a discussion.

00:32:53.682 --> 00:32:54.526
How do you approach this?

00:32:54.526 --> 00:32:55.188
Does this make sense?

00:32:55.188 --> 00:33:05.394
That makes sense and I have to try to let them know that you could approach a way to shem in a way that you're not giving up one drop of effort or one drop of seriousness.

00:33:06.380 --> 00:33:08.827
You know you don't have to want to be, I don't.

00:33:08.827 --> 00:33:10.942
You know, like I give a muscle.

00:33:10.942 --> 00:33:18.730
You know, like if, let's say, I go to the doctor and he says to me Mordechai, you know it's important for you to incorporate exercise in your life.

00:33:18.730 --> 00:33:21.208
You know, for whatever reason, for your health, you need to.

00:33:21.208 --> 00:33:23.164
You need to do exercise, but you need to.

00:33:23.164 --> 00:33:24.730
You know lift weights.

00:33:24.730 --> 00:33:30.068
So you need to jog, you know, at least you know, three times a week, half hour.

00:33:30.809 --> 00:33:39.741
So here's the like, the way that I think, based on how people approach a Vedas Hashem in a perfectionistic way, would say that you need to approach this.

00:33:39.741 --> 00:33:54.067
Well, if I'm going to need to exercise three times a week, I need to have in my mind that I want to be an Olympian, I want to be able to run in the hundred meter race at the next Olympics and I need to be able to beat the record.

00:33:54.067 --> 00:34:00.449
I need to be the world's fastest runner, because if not, why would I exercise three times a week?

00:34:00.449 --> 00:34:02.748
Why would I go running unless I want to be the Olympian?

00:34:02.748 --> 00:34:04.740
Nicole, does that make any sense to you?

00:34:04.740 --> 00:34:05.161
Absolutely, notle.

00:34:05.161 --> 00:34:06.365
Does that make?

00:34:06.385 --> 00:34:07.529
any sense to you, absolutely not preposterous.

00:34:07.549 --> 00:34:08.092
Make one drop of sense.

00:34:08.092 --> 00:34:09.195
So what would you say?

00:34:09.195 --> 00:34:14.157
Oh then, if you don't be the olympian, you're probably just going to sit on your couch and not do any exercise.

00:34:14.157 --> 00:34:19.489
You probably just going to take out a uh, you know, a margarita and sit on your couch and drink.

00:34:19.911 --> 00:34:29.963
No, that's if I'm an idiot, but if I, if I'm able to approach this as something serious and important, not as something overwhelming and scary.

00:34:29.963 --> 00:34:31.769
It's serious, it's important.

00:34:31.769 --> 00:34:34.869
The doctor says for your health you need to exercise several times a week.

00:34:34.869 --> 00:34:40.244
I don't need to want to be an Olympian In fact, I have no interest in being an Olympian but I do want to be healthy.

00:34:40.244 --> 00:34:48.983
So therefore I might decide to exercise several times a week and do that seriously, without having any overarching.

00:34:48.983 --> 00:34:52.190
You know goal to reach some type of place?

00:34:52.190 --> 00:34:54.702
No, I don't have to reach anywhere, I just have to do exercise.

00:34:54.702 --> 00:34:55.284
That's it.

00:34:55.284 --> 00:34:56.045
Now.

00:34:56.045 --> 00:34:58.612
Let's just apply that Lamassu to learning or any part of.

00:34:58.612 --> 00:35:02.188
Why do you need to be an Olympian in a Vedas Hashem like?

00:35:02.188 --> 00:35:05.288
Why do you have to want to be a in order to learn a Taisvah?

00:35:05.288 --> 00:35:09.244
You're in the Besh Medrash, you're a Yishiv Bacher there's a mitzvah called Talmud Torah.

00:35:09.284 --> 00:35:11.510
That's very serious, very important.

00:35:11.510 --> 00:35:22.293
Now you need to approach it in a way that works for your life.

00:35:22.293 --> 00:35:23.436
In fact, let's go like a madman.

00:35:23.436 --> 00:35:30.320
The first week I'll bust my knees, I'll destroy my shoulder, I'm going to try to do some exercise that are completely not according to my nature.

00:35:30.320 --> 00:35:31.766
That don't work, that won't last.

00:35:31.766 --> 00:35:32.925
I'll feel overwhelmed by that.

00:35:32.925 --> 00:35:36.784
So it's the same thing when you apply Tawheed to Hashem, in the same way.

00:35:36.784 --> 00:35:48.349
You know, if I try to be something that is way beyond me and I, I'm back right.

00:35:48.349 --> 00:35:49.856
So why do you have to be that way?

00:35:49.856 --> 00:36:03.737
You know what's wrong with approaching it by saying let me take this seriously and I'm going to find a way to approach this demand in a way that works, in a way that's going to last, in a way that I can do it calmly.

00:36:03.737 --> 00:36:08.197
That has nothing to do with Sha'ifah, that's just saying the topic is important.

00:36:08.197 --> 00:36:10.594
There's something serious that needs to be done.

00:36:10.594 --> 00:36:13.813
There's a demand, the Abish, the demands that you don't have a choice, you know.

00:36:14.293 --> 00:36:29.471
It is so I'm sorry to interrupt you, it's so, it's so eyeopening because it rubs me the wrong way so intensely and and um, I think that's why you get paid to rub people the wrong way and tell them the truth.

00:36:30.052 --> 00:36:47.358
It's a lot of fun, and and yet, the more you say it, though, the more it's it sinks in as as hey, I think you're on to something here, um, and there's just coming to mind also so many sources actually working it back towards the Torah sources.

00:36:47.358 --> 00:37:16.432
I'm pretty sure that that that's how Rabbi Elchanan Wasserman learns that Rambam, that every person can be as good as Moshe Rabbeinu in his own potential, and I'm sure that that, once we have this piece of Chachma, dare I say MS, then it probably works and sings like a song that's shot in so many of these Myra McComos, and probably can't we say that we could judge that this is correct because of the results that it produces.

00:37:16.432 --> 00:37:20.844
Would you you would agree with that, wouldn't you that?

00:37:20.844 --> 00:37:39.898
Basically, when people adapt this not accepting of mediocrity, but this, it's like, it's like barf when I'm saying it, or vomit, I don't know what the right way to say it is but this lowering of their aspirations, then they become a better servant of God.

00:37:39.898 --> 00:37:40.740
Is that true?

00:37:41.750 --> 00:37:43.393
I definitely think that's true.

00:37:43.393 --> 00:37:45.860
It's definitely what I see from experience.

00:37:45.860 --> 00:37:47.974
It makes all the sense in the world.

00:37:47.974 --> 00:37:53.119
I can't understand why it would make any sense to work in this shaifa kind of way.

00:37:53.119 --> 00:38:00.530
Yes, there might be some people that it does something for, but to say that that should be the general approach, that I might not.

00:38:00.530 --> 00:38:01.173
It's so novel.

00:38:01.193 --> 00:38:04.389
Before that I was saying before this rosh yeshiva, who I was seeing as talmud.

00:38:04.389 --> 00:38:13.777
So when once I shared this kind of idea with this student, he went back and I said he comes from a very prominent family and he shared this with his parents and apparently blew their mind.

00:38:13.777 --> 00:38:14.117
What do you mean?

00:38:14.117 --> 00:38:16.253
He has to want to be like Kivei or something.

00:38:16.253 --> 00:38:17.496
What's this therapist telling him?

00:38:17.496 --> 00:38:19.510
And he went to speak to Rashiva.

00:38:19.510 --> 00:38:22.318
Basically, rashiva called me up, like it was like a crisis.

00:38:22.318 --> 00:38:32.233
Rashiva called me up and I don't really have a lot of time, you know to speak to everybody who wants to speak to me on the phone between you know so many clients and there's all these.

00:38:32.233 --> 00:38:34.836
Third, like you know, there's a BAM, there's a Yeshiva, there's Terran.

00:38:34.836 --> 00:38:41.358
So in a way, I can't, you know, have a dialogue like I'm having with you, michal, where I can go into length and I can talk all the sources.

00:38:53.597 --> 00:39:06.597
So, simply, as was, you know, so taken aback by that is because the automatic reaction to that is that oh so you must mean to be saying to this boy that he should be sitting on a couch, like that's obviously what you're saying.

00:39:06.597 --> 00:39:08.762
They don't understand.

00:39:08.762 --> 00:39:19.110
You know that there's a way to approach this so novel, you know, but it's so sensible that it's surprising that it should be novel, but it's so sensible Everything that we've said till now, you know.

00:39:19.110 --> 00:39:23.981
Just approach something in a workable way because it's serious and it's important.

00:39:23.981 --> 00:39:31.170
What do you add on by saying to strive for something that's way beyond your abilities, what is it?

00:39:31.170 --> 00:39:33.172
Tell me how it, how it helps.

00:39:33.311 --> 00:40:16.603
You know what does it do other than create nerves, intense and super and horribly popular problem that plagues countless people in the Jewish world, if not the world at large, which is the overwhelming feeling of yiyush, which is, in English, means despair or hopelessness, which is, just like Rabbi Israel Solandra says, one of the most debilitating diseases and yet one of the most contagious diseases.

00:40:16.603 --> 00:40:19.856
It's easy to catch a bad case of the.

00:40:19.856 --> 00:40:26.637
I'm never going to wake up on time and I've tried to give up that sin 50 times, but yet I can't.

00:40:26.637 --> 00:40:28.902
So let me just throw it all away.

00:40:28.902 --> 00:40:32.914
I have a feeling that these two things go hand in hand.

00:40:32.914 --> 00:40:50.585
But, to point the question directly at you, how does one deal with the hopeless reality that, with Elul coming up, it'll probably be just like every other Elul that I want to wake up on time.

00:40:50.585 --> 00:40:52.954
I want to give up that sin.

00:40:52.954 --> 00:41:05.032
I probably will for about a day, maybe a week, maybe, if I'm lucky, for a month, but after that I'll probably be right back to where I started and therefore I feel hopeless.

00:41:07.778 --> 00:41:12.739
Very pointed question, michal, and definitely one that I can identify with.

00:41:12.739 --> 00:41:29.373
I think most of us can identify with, especially those who've been through many Elols, and when a buffer is still very young, he might still be holding on to that She'ifa where he thinks this will be the hour, this will be the year.

00:41:29.373 --> 00:41:38.606
But it's definitely a painful reality and a painful feeling for a lot of us that we're here again and did things really change?

00:41:38.606 --> 00:41:39.427
Did we change?

00:41:39.427 --> 00:41:40.610
How's it going to be different now?

00:41:40.610 --> 00:41:41.271
And that's that's.

00:41:41.271 --> 00:41:44.356
That's something that I think that's important to address.

00:41:44.356 --> 00:41:46.619
Probably on a lot of people's minds.

00:41:46.619 --> 00:41:48.782
There's many parts to the question.

00:41:48.782 --> 00:41:56.532
So, in terms of of uh, you know the despair, uh, being connected to what we spoke about before, I think that's one aspect of it, right?

00:41:56.532 --> 00:42:07.369
So if abedis hashem is about being perfect, if we need to do things perfectly, if we need to have perfect outcomes, then definitely despair is the natural outcome.

00:42:07.369 --> 00:42:23.722
So, like we were speaking about before, like one of two things happen if you need to be perfect Either you work in a way that's completely overwhelming and stressful and somehow you maintain that until you don't, and then, when you can't maintain it anymore, then you just fall into despair because I know I can't do this.

00:42:23.722 --> 00:42:49.300
Well, yeah, you can't do what you were doing, or you know we can't, you can't be perfect, so uh, but if the belief is that I need to be perfect and I need to, you know, reach and I need to have outcomes, then it's very easy to feel a sense, much easier to feel a sense of despair, because I know that I haven't reached, I haven't achieved, I haven't gotten to the end and it seems like it's a place that's too far for me to get to.

00:42:49.300 --> 00:42:53.925
So then despair is only a natural outcome of that perspective.

00:42:53.925 --> 00:43:10.612
So, shifting the perspective on a Veda Sashen, as we were speaking about before, and saying that it's not necessarily or it's not at all actually about outcome or about achieving, here's one of them the kairos, which everybody knows, but for some reason, again it'll.

00:43:10.612 --> 00:43:13.380
It won't sound novel, but it's apparently novel.

00:43:13.380 --> 00:43:36.052
That mishnah is describing and it's saying you know that the way is set up is not for one to finish anything, so why would you be going for the finish line or why would you be saying that I need to get somewhere?

00:43:36.052 --> 00:43:39.431
The Mishnah says that is not how Avedis Hashem is set up.

00:43:39.911 --> 00:43:41.498
So what is Avedis Hashem about?

00:43:41.498 --> 00:43:46.902
You need to work.

00:43:46.902 --> 00:43:48.641
You need to take this seriously.

00:43:48.641 --> 00:43:49.409
You need to take this seriously.

00:43:49.409 --> 00:43:56.175
You need to approach this with a sense of importance, and it's very important and it's super serious.

00:43:56.175 --> 00:43:57.635
You need to get the job done.

00:43:57.635 --> 00:44:00.070
You're a mitzvah, you know.

00:44:00.070 --> 00:44:02.976
The Hebrew says you have to do these things, you're not allowed to do those things.

00:44:02.976 --> 00:44:08.181
So we have to approach it with a sense of a willingness to work.

00:44:08.181 --> 00:44:19.326
If we approach it like that, then of course, despair is something that would be a little bit less common, because what's there to despair about?

00:44:19.326 --> 00:44:22.679
You know, if the point is to reach somewhere, so then I'm not getting there.

00:44:22.679 --> 00:44:24.998
The point is to work, then you need to work.

00:44:24.998 --> 00:44:28.059
So I don't think this addresses the whole component.

00:44:28.059 --> 00:44:29.193
There's other parts.

00:44:29.353 --> 00:44:31.501
That was so brilliant, that was so brilliant.

00:44:31.501 --> 00:44:39.882
That has got to be on a bumper sticker, because if it's all about results, so then there's a reason to despair.

00:44:39.882 --> 00:44:45.860
If it's all about work, then you've got to keep working.

00:44:47.744 --> 00:44:51.009
Excellent, michal, you put it on the sticker, okay.

00:44:51.650 --> 00:44:52.393
I'll send you the bill.

00:44:52.393 --> 00:45:04.317
Okay, perfect, I'll put it on both my cards I still have, I think I still have my father's credit card, so, but it is then also.

00:45:04.317 --> 00:45:12.246
Maybe the next follow-up question would be that it's all about work, and then there's no end to that.

00:45:12.246 --> 00:45:16.940
But I guess, again, that doesn't really bother me, because God commands that we should work.

00:45:16.940 --> 00:45:18.775
It's God's world, after all.

00:45:18.775 --> 00:45:21.780
Am I correct in just saying it's about the work?

00:45:21.780 --> 00:45:29.791
God commands it, so we'll work until we die work until we die.

00:45:29.811 --> 00:45:33.780
It definitely will require a big shift in perspective for most of us, because we are so used to having an outcome, achievement-based perspective.

00:45:33.780 --> 00:45:36.032
As we mentioned before, it's the world we live in.

00:45:36.032 --> 00:45:37.235
We value outcome.

00:45:37.235 --> 00:45:43.092
The American dream is about reaching some end game, getting to an outcome.

00:45:43.092 --> 00:45:46.739
We honor and we value people who look to us.

00:45:47.139 --> 00:45:54.362
You know what we call success or being successful, so it's a very achievement, outcome based world we live in, which affects our B'nai Tashem.

00:45:54.362 --> 00:46:12.778
So it's not as simple as just, you know, reading it on a bumper sticker, which is a good start, I think, michal, but it's about a real shift in perspective that that'll uh require from us to be able to see that as something that uh, as an approach that we can work with that.

00:46:12.778 --> 00:46:27.846
There's an important work that needs to be done and and you know, yeah, it's not about the outcome, it's not there's definitely more that we could talk about in terms of how to work in a way that can, that can be helpful and in a way that can, you know, help us feel less despairing as we approach these days.

00:46:27.846 --> 00:46:29.789
But I think that's an important perspective to talk about.

00:46:30.030 --> 00:46:30.251
I have.

00:46:30.251 --> 00:46:36.056
I have a couple other pressing matters I think need to be dealt with and we can't keep you too late here.

00:46:36.056 --> 00:46:37.860
I have all night.

00:46:37.860 --> 00:46:41.518
I guess you can wake up with a.

00:46:41.518 --> 00:46:42.141
You can come.

00:46:42.141 --> 00:46:45.340
I get my two year old at a when she wakes up at 6 AM.

00:46:45.340 --> 00:47:04.422
I don't know if that's going to work, but there's a couple of matters that I hope that you can solve for me and for the rest of the world here, as we're solving the world's problems here on the late-night edition of the Motivation Congregation podcast, and that is it isn't exactly mentioned.

00:47:04.422 --> 00:47:12.760
I can't even think of any source off the top of my mind, but you had also mentioned this before we started recording.

00:47:13.561 --> 00:47:29.166
The idea of patience in the steiging, in the growing, the idea that while I do pray I just noticed this when we have a new month, we inaugurate it with a Berch HaSachodesh.

00:47:29.166 --> 00:47:31.273
We say we should be blessed for a long life.

00:47:31.273 --> 00:47:38.440
It always bothered me that we should be blessed for a long life even though we're only praying for only one month.

00:47:38.440 --> 00:47:57.867
I'm not really sure how that goes together, but it definitely feels like the idea would be that there is some sort of longer life or this amount of this deep-rooted, patient, elongated, healthy type of idea that's behind that.

00:47:57.867 --> 00:48:11.150
I'm not sure if that made any sense or not, but the patience idea I can't think of any sources about it, but you are a big believer in that Yerushalayim and that Torah and mitzvos and El should be done patiently.

00:48:11.150 --> 00:48:13.634
Yet El is only one month.

00:48:13.634 --> 00:48:19.945
How do those two combine for a beautiful, god-fearing cocktail?

00:48:22.552 --> 00:48:23.494
Yeah, good question.

00:48:24.494 --> 00:48:27.739
I think it really boils down to a lot of what we spoke about.

00:48:27.739 --> 00:48:43.130
You know it just makes sense to approach something with patience and it does require that shifting of perspective that we have work that needs to be done and all work happens, you know, slowly.

00:48:43.130 --> 00:48:50.181
You don't plant seeds in the ground and then come out the next day and see whatever you planted.

00:48:50.181 --> 00:48:51.485
You know, fully blooming.

00:48:51.485 --> 00:48:54.539
You know if you planted a fruit tree, you don't see those seeds the next day.

00:48:54.539 --> 00:48:55.876
You don't see the fruits the next day.

00:48:55.876 --> 00:49:00.713
You have to be patient Whenever growth is involved, whenever change is involved.

00:49:00.713 --> 00:49:03.840
We can take a good example from the way growth happens in the natural world, and you know the farm I'll speak about is a comparison.

00:49:03.840 --> 00:49:07.708
There can take a good example from the way growth happens in the natural world.

00:49:07.708 --> 00:49:25.010
The Pasik says and you know the psalm I'll speak about is a comparison there and the way growth happens is very slowly and one day at a time, and you know it's not something that happens overnight.

00:49:25.010 --> 00:49:30.280
We have to be willing to approach our Avodah Hashem in the same way.

00:49:30.280 --> 00:49:37.824
And you know, again, if you're a brain surgeon and you know, you know you're going in for a 15 hour surgery.

00:49:37.824 --> 00:49:40.530
Let's say you have to work with patients.

00:49:40.530 --> 00:49:41.891
You know you don't want to work with.

00:49:41.891 --> 00:49:43.876
You know a sense of.

00:49:43.876 --> 00:49:47.963
You know, bilbo or I need to to get something done already.

00:49:47.963 --> 00:49:52.679
Or you know you got to approach the thing patiently, you know.

00:49:52.679 --> 00:49:56.079
So, even though there's a lot of, like you said, el is very serious.

00:49:56.079 --> 00:49:58.717
There's 40 days.

00:49:58.717 --> 00:50:02.356
We have to reach the Rosh Hashanah and we have to reach the Yom Kippur.

00:50:02.356 --> 00:50:06.514
The smartest way to do that is to go through it patiently.

00:50:06.514 --> 00:50:08.360
But here's where, like, the smartest way to do that is to go through it patiently.

00:50:08.360 --> 00:50:13.458
But here's where, like, the natural way that people think is that now we're saying, oh, so you should be mediocre about it, you know.

00:50:13.458 --> 00:50:18.358
Or you should say, well, whatever happens, happens, cause I'm just going to be patient.

00:50:18.358 --> 00:50:21.141
No, you know that that's that's.

00:50:21.141 --> 00:50:23.853
No, that's like again going to that other extreme.

00:50:23.853 --> 00:50:25.297
No, it's very serious.

00:50:25.297 --> 00:50:26.240
Do the work?

00:50:26.240 --> 00:50:30.351
Work like a madman?

00:50:30.351 --> 00:50:30.853
There's only 40 days.

00:50:30.853 --> 00:50:37.257
Yes, we definitely have to remember that it's very serious and that you know you have to have the chacheter, like they said in yiddish, from hell.

00:50:37.257 --> 00:50:39.969
I don't think they meant being nervous or overwhelmed.

00:50:39.969 --> 00:50:43.713
They meant taking the job seriously, but patiently.

00:50:43.713 --> 00:50:49.440
What else should you do patiently, by the way means that we have to be open to falling.

00:50:49.440 --> 00:50:54.284
You know, sometimes the wind comes along and sometimes, you know, your, your, your.

00:50:54.284 --> 00:50:58.597
Your little plant, you know, turns this way or that way.

00:50:58.597 --> 00:50:59.219
It doesn't always.

00:50:59.219 --> 00:51:03.317
Sometimes you have to prune it a little bit, so so growth happens through falling.

00:51:03.396 --> 00:51:05.822
It's not such a novel idea, but it may sound novel.

00:51:05.822 --> 00:51:10.436
You know, shiva yipo tzadik v'kam, and I think that we take that as a b'dievot.

00:51:10.436 --> 00:51:17.043
That's why it sounds novel, like we read that thing and we have a little bit, I think, of an introduction to that potpourri.

00:51:17.043 --> 00:51:22.592
The introduction goes like this Really, you're never supposed to fall.

00:51:22.592 --> 00:51:25.958
Really, if you're a good person or you're a tzaddik, you never fall.

00:51:25.958 --> 00:51:30.153
But Shlomo wants to give you some chizuk so you shouldn't feel this fear.

00:51:30.153 --> 00:51:36.141
So he said to you by the way, if you fell you should get back up, because you know the tzaddik can move on.

00:51:36.141 --> 00:51:37.592
That's not what it says by me in the Pasuk.

00:51:37.592 --> 00:51:39.451
By me it says that's the nature.

00:51:39.451 --> 00:51:41.112
Sheva always means that's the nature.

00:51:41.112 --> 00:51:43.655
Seven, it can be seven.

00:51:43.695 --> 00:51:44.336
That's good.

00:51:44.757 --> 00:51:46.380
Yeah, you.

00:51:46.380 --> 00:51:47.862
Always we fall.

00:51:47.862 --> 00:51:48.623
That's what we do.

00:51:48.623 --> 00:52:01.018
You know there's no perfection, and if we can remember that and we can recognize that that doesn't have to be there for a way that would say, well then we could do whatever we want.

00:52:01.018 --> 00:52:12.284
No, it's a way of not falling into despair and it's a way of being able to work patiently, because we recognize that growth includes falling.

00:52:12.284 --> 00:52:16.501
There's no way to go through a growth process perfectly.

00:52:16.501 --> 00:52:20.996
We're going to have failures, so we need to be patient and we need to be able to get back up.

00:52:20.996 --> 00:52:26.398
And it's much easier to get back up if you have a healthy perspective about what the job of Oved HaShem is about?

00:52:27.510 --> 00:52:30.018
Is there a way to make it a healthy?

00:52:30.018 --> 00:52:31.481
Let's say I want to make a commitment.

00:52:31.481 --> 00:52:33.253
Let's talk about commitments.

00:52:33.253 --> 00:52:35.038
Let's talk about Kabbalos for a second.

00:52:35.038 --> 00:52:35.940
That's a big part of it.

00:52:35.940 --> 00:52:42.342
Having something that you do consistently every day I'm going to take on as a new commitment.

00:52:42.342 --> 00:52:43.612
I'm going to wake up on time.

00:52:43.612 --> 00:52:46.215
I'm going to wash some Nagelwasser next to my bed.

00:52:46.215 --> 00:52:48.557
I'm going to kiss the Mazzuzza every single time.

00:52:48.557 --> 00:52:53.905
Maybe that'll be an exposure exercise, even though I'm afraid of the germs.

00:52:53.905 --> 00:52:54.891
Is it acrophobia?

00:52:54.891 --> 00:52:55.614
Is that what that's called?

00:52:55.614 --> 00:52:57.860
I don't know Whatever.

00:52:57.860 --> 00:52:58.782
Okay, forget that.

00:52:58.782 --> 00:53:00.632
I'm going to stay in my lane.

00:53:00.632 --> 00:53:01.677
It's germophobia?

00:53:01.677 --> 00:53:02.639
I'm going to stay in my lane there.

00:53:02.639 --> 00:53:18.802
Um, but how can I commit to something, stay patient with it, but yet still hit certain benchmarks, that the commitment still stands and holds water?

00:53:20.731 --> 00:53:24.282
I was hoping you would ask a question like this and I think it's super important.

00:53:24.282 --> 00:53:29.422
I don't know how much time we'll have to address it, but I definitely would like to share a few points.

00:53:29.422 --> 00:53:40.717
So I think that the commitment factor right and being able to keep a commitment, and part of what our experience tells us is that we don't follow through and our commitments don't last.

00:53:40.717 --> 00:53:47.340
And that goes back to the despair that you mentioned earlier that we tend to feel because, hey, the commitment I made last year doesn't last.

00:53:47.340 --> 00:53:54.456
How do we make, uh, good commitments, how can we make commitments that last?

00:53:54.456 --> 00:53:55.440
What do we need to do to make that work?

00:53:55.440 --> 00:53:56.824
Just to like, uh, you know, illustrate the challenge.

00:53:56.824 --> 00:53:58.009
Just a little short story.

00:53:58.228 --> 00:54:20.251
So I mentioned I was living in a two-star after I got married and I I used to end up sometimes in a shoulder with quite an interesting eccentric rabbi who used to speak there, you know, at various times, and it was in Elul, before Rosh Hashanah, I think before Yom Kippur, somewhere in the, you know, in the high holiday season, and he got up and he basically said a whole speech about how chuvah is impossible.

00:54:20.251 --> 00:54:23.599
There's no way to do chuvah, it just doesn't work.

00:54:23.599 --> 00:54:26.193
There's no way for us to be able to do this.

00:54:26.193 --> 00:54:27.851
I've been there before, I've done it, and it just doesn't work.

00:54:27.851 --> 00:54:28.387
And there's no way for us to be able to do this.

00:54:28.351 --> 00:54:31.074
I've been there before, I've done it, and it just doesn't work and there's really nothing that you can do about it.

00:54:31.074 --> 00:54:39.478
Because, let's be honest, we all, you know, fake our way through this time and we try and it just doesn't have any lasting impact, so there's basically no way to do it.

00:54:39.478 --> 00:54:49.211
And his only saving grace to that was like the kind of what you know his point to say okay, so what?

00:54:49.211 --> 00:54:53.826
Then he said well, at least we we, you know have a little bit of upheaval and elo, and in that way we save ourselves from major punishments.

00:54:53.826 --> 00:55:02.096
It's such an idea mentioned in the chenuch you know that, uh, that that kim kipper comes along to forgive all the various, because if everything would collect up, without it without end.

00:55:02.416 --> 00:55:10.635
It was divinus, would be so much more than the world, yeah, so that kind of like cleans the slate a little bit, but of course it doesn't really work.

00:55:10.635 --> 00:55:24.822
And when I heard this you know the question is a burning question, definitely but I was at the same time terribly, terribly, you know, disappointed that that's the only thing that you can offer people is basically despair, you know.

00:55:24.822 --> 00:55:27.318
So that's your selling point.

00:55:27.318 --> 00:55:31.789
And it also really bothered me that the Torah is speaking about Shuvah upcoming in one of these parashias.

00:55:31.789 --> 00:55:38.021
So it's painful.

00:55:38.021 --> 00:55:41.592
It's so painful because we experience it as something that's impossible.

00:55:41.592 --> 00:55:47.099
The rabbi was simply speaking what so many of us feel, you know, and, as you mentioned, it just doesn't work.

00:55:47.099 --> 00:55:48.635
You know it doesn't work, but the Torah says it's simple, feel you know and, as you mentioned, like just doesn't work.

00:55:48.635 --> 00:55:54.536
You know it doesn't work, so, but the potato says it's simple, you know, you know.

00:55:54.536 --> 00:55:56.900
So how do we approach this in a way that works?

00:55:56.900 --> 00:55:58.443
How can we do something with our elf?

00:55:58.443 --> 00:56:00.755
How can we do something with our yom-ne-rom?

00:56:00.996 --> 00:56:11.753
I don't have the foolproof answer, but I have suggestions okay, good, because the cameras are zooming in the microphones, the volumes are fully up and we are all ears.

00:56:11.753 --> 00:56:13.958
Please save us.

00:56:15.340 --> 00:56:20.856
We'll do my best, so I try to save myself first and hopefully, through saving myself, I'll I'll.

00:56:20.896 --> 00:56:21.938
I hope that we are in there too.

00:56:22.539 --> 00:56:24.083
Yeah, okay.

00:56:24.083 --> 00:56:29.041
So, uh, you can't start with everything, okay, so you can't change.

00:56:29.041 --> 00:56:31.438
This is also something that should be pretty obvious.

00:56:31.438 --> 00:56:37.835
Only a young boy, you know, at the start of his journey, you know, comes, I'm going to become the next Gavala.

00:56:37.835 --> 00:56:39.275
It doesn't work that way, okay.

00:56:39.909 --> 00:56:50.503
So if we have problems in our Avedis Hashem, in our Mitzvot and our Averis, if we have certain Averis that we struggle with, certain mitzvahs that we struggle with, you can't work on everything at once.

00:56:50.503 --> 00:56:53.186
You can't approach everything at once.

00:56:53.186 --> 00:56:54.552
That just doesn't work.

00:56:54.552 --> 00:56:56.976
So what do you pick?

00:56:56.976 --> 00:57:00.244
You know, okay, you know there are some guidelines for that too.

00:57:02.070 --> 00:57:17.106
Usually, you should try to pick something that you feel is either a super hard struggle for you or a super important mitzvah or a super important Avera, or something that can have is either a super hard struggle for you or a super important mitzvah or a super important tavera, or something that can have more of an impact on your life if you work on this as opposed to if you work on something that has less of an impact.

00:57:17.106 --> 00:57:20.722
You know, sometimes people pick I'm sorry to say, silly kabbalah.

00:57:20.722 --> 00:57:25.054
You know things that won't really have any lasting impact, but you feel like you're doing something.

00:57:25.054 --> 00:57:25.896
It.

00:57:25.896 --> 00:57:34.420
It's not really, you know, adding so much to one's Avedis Hashem if they, you know, will say Commit to cutting their fingernails, according to Halacha.

00:57:34.971 --> 00:57:35.753
Something like that.

00:57:35.753 --> 00:57:37.512
Let's say, yes, and I don't want to be.

00:57:37.512 --> 00:57:39.795
You know, people are going to ask me a story like this, a story like that.

00:57:39.795 --> 00:57:45.856
I can't answer to every story but, yes, that is something that doesn't seem to add so much, you know.

00:57:45.856 --> 00:57:52.945
Or if I'll say an extra two kapits, look to hell, and after that to hell, is wonderful, it's wonderful, but these are not.

00:57:52.945 --> 00:57:55.418
You know, things are necessarily going to create a change.

00:57:55.418 --> 00:58:00.237
Shuva means that we have to have some type of returning different, mindset different attitude.

00:58:00.338 --> 00:58:01.784
Right, yeah, exactly.

00:58:01.784 --> 00:58:12.259
So we have to go to things that are going to be a little bit more personal, a little bit more influential in our lives, in the way we approach our latest Hashem.

00:58:12.259 --> 00:58:23.778
Okay, so that's in terms of how to pick something, how to work on something, either where we really struggle, or things that will be a real big change for us, but things that are super important, which, for so many people, they're a lot of the same things.

00:58:23.778 --> 00:58:26.954
You know, we all could learn better, we all could daven better.

00:58:26.954 --> 00:58:28.653
We all struggle with certain things.

00:58:28.653 --> 00:58:30.797
You brought up kadusha struggles.

00:58:30.797 --> 00:58:35.717
That does seem to be a universal struggle these days, not only because I see it, everybody's aware of it.

00:58:35.717 --> 00:58:39.695
There's so many movements and there's so many, you know, you know all of them.

00:58:39.695 --> 00:58:43.331
Gevaldig, you know that they're trying to create more kadusha and khalia.

00:58:43.371 --> 00:58:53.322
So we had an asifa 15 years ago the city field there's a problem and, uh, you know, definitely most people struggle with this in some way.

00:58:53.322 --> 00:58:58.596
So definitely a lot of us can relate to areas where, in general, we all need to be working on.

00:58:58.596 --> 00:59:00.400
So how do you approach that?

00:59:00.400 --> 00:59:02.253
How do you approach it in a way that could work?

00:59:02.253 --> 00:59:03.275
What should you do?

00:59:03.275 --> 00:59:04.599
How do you do it in a way that could last?

00:59:04.679 --> 00:59:17.402
So one thing that we want to be able to think about is why we struggle in the area that we struggle, and that is something that very few people ever will pay attention to or contemplate.

00:59:17.402 --> 00:59:20.458
Why is this so hard for me?

00:59:20.458 --> 00:59:22.878
Why do I struggle with it?

00:59:22.878 --> 00:59:24.612
Let's pick an example.

00:59:24.612 --> 00:59:25.552
Let's pick an example.

00:59:25.552 --> 00:59:36.858
Let's say that somebody struggles with davening, with kavana, even for any part of davening, okay, we're not going to tackle the whole davening.

00:59:36.858 --> 00:59:38.690
Let's say somebody says I want to be mechav in the first brach, uretz.

00:59:38.690 --> 00:59:40.775
Why is that hard for me?

00:59:40.775 --> 00:59:42.175
What gets in my way?

00:59:42.175 --> 00:59:44.213
We have to be able to think about that.

00:59:44.293 --> 00:59:55.076
If we don't think about why a struggle is hard for us, but we only think about I want to change, I want to do it, I want to learn more, that's another one.

00:59:55.076 --> 00:59:57.626
I want to incorporate more learning into my day If I don't think about well, why am I not?

00:59:57.626 --> 00:59:58.989
Why hasn't it worked in the past?

00:59:58.989 --> 01:00:02.434
Why is it that I struggle to learn more time?

01:00:02.434 --> 01:00:04.356
What's getting in my way?

01:00:04.356 --> 01:00:12.885
If I don't think about that, it's going to be very hard to make some type of commitment that has any hope of lasting if I'm not addressing what the issue is.

01:00:12.885 --> 01:00:13.831
That's getting in my way.

01:00:13.831 --> 01:00:14.914
What's my obstacle?

01:00:14.914 --> 01:00:17.260
Does that make any sense, nicole?

01:00:17.800 --> 01:00:25.820
It is so brilliant and yet so simple, which is normally the shot that is the one that is the troop shot.

01:00:25.820 --> 01:00:28.943
It seems like you're addressing that.

01:00:28.943 --> 01:00:48.222
The seba, the cause, the causation, the causative factor, is what we're trying to drill down to, and we're trying to say that the reason why Michal Brook doesn't pay attention at the beginning of Ishmona Esra is hmm, maybe it's because I didn't get enough sleep last night.

01:00:48.222 --> 01:00:57.019
Maybe it's because what if it's just because I'm a spacey person or I don't actually enjoy or feel a connection in prayer?

01:00:57.019 --> 01:00:58.914
Let's say it's those things.

01:00:58.914 --> 01:01:03.119
Okay, fine, so you're nodding your head for those that are listening, so great.

01:01:03.119 --> 01:01:04.458
So now I have a new problem.

01:01:04.458 --> 01:01:06.110
Well, I have two problems.

01:01:06.110 --> 01:01:18.824
One is I'm not sure which one is actually the causative factor, and number two is okay, what to do about this unknown subterranean issue?

01:01:19.724 --> 01:01:29.184
Yeah, so I was nodding because you said so many plausible factors that could get in the way of concentrating by davening.

01:01:29.184 --> 01:01:32.539
There could be somebody who's not sleeping enough.

01:01:32.539 --> 01:01:38.103
Well then, you know, that should give you some indication about what you need to be doing.

01:01:38.103 --> 01:01:45.775
If you make some commitment to be davening better, you have to include with that some possibility of sleeping enough, if that's possible.

01:01:45.775 --> 01:01:47.657
Otherwise you're not making a good commitment.

01:01:47.657 --> 01:01:52.952
Otherwise, maybe this isn't.

01:01:52.952 --> 01:01:55.099
You know, if you have, you know, babies and you're, you know you work the night shift.

01:01:55.119 --> 01:02:01.701
Maybe you can't work on this right now in your life, but if you can by recognizing that what's getting in your way is fatigue, you have obviously a better way of addressing it.

01:02:01.701 --> 01:02:05.556
If you recognize I'm a little bit spacey, I tend to space out.

01:02:05.556 --> 01:02:08.440
Okay, what can help you stay focused?

01:02:08.440 --> 01:02:17.963
Would it be maybe deciding that part of your commitment to Yom Kippur is putting your finger on the first bracha, each word.

01:02:17.963 --> 01:02:20.514
Don't worry about what people around you are thinking.

01:02:20.514 --> 01:02:21.657
You know your point.

01:02:21.657 --> 01:02:24.003
Baruch Atah Hashem.

01:02:24.003 --> 01:02:25.153
I tried it myself.

01:02:25.153 --> 01:02:36.496
It works pretty well because you are literally creating the focus by putting your finger on the place and the word is simply, you know, like jumping right back at you, you know.

01:02:36.496 --> 01:02:43.117
So that could help if you recognize that this is what I can do, because for me it's about focus.

01:02:43.990 --> 01:02:50.235
Another example you said, michal, was maybe I don't have an appreciation for a tefillah, maybe I just don't know what this is about.

01:02:50.235 --> 01:02:51.500
Well, guess what?

01:02:51.500 --> 01:02:53.757
There's a million sfarms that were written on tefillah.

01:02:53.757 --> 01:02:55.356
Find one that resonates with you.

01:02:55.356 --> 01:02:57.436
Find a way to develop meaning.

01:02:57.436 --> 01:03:01.061
Maybe you just have to know what the meaning of pirshamil is on that first bracha.

01:03:01.061 --> 01:03:02.713
There's a lot of important words there.

01:03:03.273 --> 01:03:07.360
I don't know what the difference between hakel hagedol, hageber, hanor is.

01:03:07.360 --> 01:03:08.382
It's all the same to me.

01:03:09.063 --> 01:03:22.817
Yeah, so the truth is that you know, sometimes it's not necessarily knowing the distinct meaning of each word, but sometimes just having an appreciation for the concept which is behind the brakha, which is enough for Kavana, by the way.

01:03:22.929 --> 01:03:26.460
You know you don't have to think each word how it's different than the other.

01:03:26.460 --> 01:03:32.849
I know that that could be a little bit of a kick for people who like reading a million perusim on each word, especially when it comes to Yom HaNerim.

01:03:32.849 --> 01:03:37.300
But it's more about understanding what this bracha represents.

01:03:37.300 --> 01:03:39.021
You know what does the bracha of this mean?

01:03:39.021 --> 01:03:40.474
You know what is this about.

01:03:40.474 --> 01:03:42.429
You start with Avram, yitzchak and Yaakov.

01:03:42.429 --> 01:03:45.373
You end up with maybe Goya we're with, maybe Goya we're talking about.

01:03:45.373 --> 01:03:47.336
You know the Gula of Mashiach coming.

01:03:47.336 --> 01:03:49.980
So we end up with what's this bracha about?

01:03:49.980 --> 01:03:51.543
It might be something worth thinking about.

01:03:51.543 --> 01:04:08.543
And if I get interested, if I see that this bracha can somehow have more meaning in my life now I have a better chance if I'm coming to make a Kabbalah, a commitment to work on Kavanah because you mentioned so many great possibilities by just taking a little bit of time contemplating.

01:04:08.690 --> 01:04:09.833
Why is this hard for me?

01:04:09.833 --> 01:04:11.818
Maybe davening is hard for me.

01:04:11.818 --> 01:04:25.001
Mincha is a disaster because I come running in straight from work and the nature of my mind is that I get so into what I do and there's no possibility for me to create some headspace to be able to davenish my nesre.

01:04:25.001 --> 01:04:31.737
That's why this is so hard for me, or maybe because I come late into the chakra, so, oh, okay, one second.

01:04:31.737 --> 01:04:37.318
So for me, mincha has to mean I have to get to shul five minutes early just to sit a little bit.

01:04:37.318 --> 01:04:42.793
You know, that would be another example of by recognizing what's getting in my way.

01:04:42.793 --> 01:04:45.541
And we just spoke about davene, but we should speak about so many things.

01:04:45.541 --> 01:04:52.210
This davening is like a mitzvah positive thing learning something gets in my way of learning something gets in my way by a virus.

01:04:52.210 --> 01:04:57.250
There's a reason why I struggle with kedusha, yes, even if we get the universal struggle.

01:04:57.250 --> 01:05:01.199
But there's something about it that for me, makes it difficult.

01:05:01.199 --> 01:05:03.210
There's something that I am looking for.

01:05:03.210 --> 01:05:10.525
There's something that is doing for me that, making it very hard for me to just make a commitment that say I'm not going to do it anymore, I'm going to stop.

01:05:10.650 --> 01:05:11.695
Well, why do you do it?

01:05:11.695 --> 01:05:12.257
What speak?

01:05:12.257 --> 01:05:14.378
By the way, this is all a Mishnah.

01:05:14.378 --> 01:05:15.695
The Mishnah says in Aviv.

01:05:15.695 --> 01:05:27.172
Here's what that means Means.

01:05:27.211 --> 01:05:31.559
You have to think about what am I losing out when I do the mitzvah?

01:05:31.559 --> 01:05:38.657
And then, what do I stand to gain by doing the mitzvah and I have to think about this shchar aveira.

01:05:38.657 --> 01:05:43.150
How am I benefiting from the aveira comparing to what I'm losing from the aveira?

01:05:43.150 --> 01:05:51.318
So you see, from the Mishnahnah, it's not enough just to contemplate the, the Hefzad Havera or the Shachar Mitzvah.

01:05:51.318 --> 01:05:59.155
Now, all of a sudden, that's all that most of us do.

01:05:59.155 --> 01:06:12.813
We basically just focus on why I need to be doing what I need to be doing the skhar mitzvah or the hefted aveira without focusing on, well, why is there a skhar aveira?

01:06:12.813 --> 01:06:14.431
What is this aveira doing for me?

01:06:14.431 --> 01:06:17.371
And what is the hefted mitzvah?

01:06:17.371 --> 01:06:18.295
What is the mitzvah?

01:06:18.295 --> 01:06:20.346
What is the part that's difficult for me in this mitzvah?

01:06:20.346 --> 01:06:21.467
What is the part that's difficult for me in this mitzvah?

01:06:21.467 --> 01:06:27.612
If you don't think about that, well then you're ignoring the Mishnah's advice to how to work on your ablidah to Shem.

01:06:28.487 --> 01:06:32.259
It's the whole point of the world.

01:06:32.259 --> 01:06:58.163
Even that's audacious claim, but it seems like our entire job, according to the Rambam in his book Mishnah Torah in the I believe it's chapter one or two, when he advises as to how to come to the love of God is to contemplate Torah, god's wisdom, god's world and learn about it.

01:06:58.163 --> 01:07:04.277
But it's ultimately to then say what's the cause of all this?

01:07:04.277 --> 01:07:05.806
What is the root?

01:07:05.806 --> 01:07:06.869
What's driving this?

01:07:06.869 --> 01:07:17.556
Rabbi Rucham and the Muslim sources they're very much into any only fools get stuck at just the outcomes and the results.

01:07:17.556 --> 01:07:23.045
But smart people understand outcomes and the results.

01:07:23.045 --> 01:07:24.108
But smart people understand why things are happening.

01:07:24.128 --> 01:07:31.347
Avram Avinu sought until age 40 to figure out what is the cause behind everything, and going a step deeper that's leaping to mind.

01:07:31.347 --> 01:07:51.905
I'd like to take this to the PG-13 hour of the show as we tick here past midnight, so I guess we can put a little pause here for any parents that are listening or anyone else that maybe the content wouldn't be suitable for them.

01:07:51.905 --> 01:07:54.909
I don't imagine we'll get too off the rails here.

01:07:54.909 --> 01:07:58.371
But content, hopefully, that Content, hopefully that will be helpful to people.

01:07:58.371 --> 01:08:00.954
God commands that.

01:08:00.954 --> 01:08:30.596
It's pretty open that to any lewdness, al-tikrav, do not even come near it, and that includes any sort of viewing of immorality, immorality, and it definitely includes any sort of touching of immorality or all of the other plethora and bevy of sexual sins, immoral sins.

01:08:30.596 --> 01:08:49.615
You're an expert in this area and I can imagine that your phone is ringing off the hook because it just seems like the Yates of Hurrah gave up in idolatry and gave up in gazella and stealing.

01:08:49.615 --> 01:09:00.239
I mean, I guess maybe that's still a little bit in style, but it just seems like it's a dime a dozen for forced people that struggle with it.

01:09:00.239 --> 01:09:02.863
It's a dime a dozen for people that struggle with it.

01:09:02.884 --> 01:09:21.122
How about every single person, including myself, that you're just inundated with things that you can't even believe your eyes when you're walking across the street, that you are really even unable to step out of the way of bus advertisements, and so a real person really can feel stuck in this area.

01:09:21.122 --> 01:09:31.256
When you couple that with that, this is something that nafshoy shal'adam is something that it's a natural desire in a person.

01:09:31.256 --> 01:09:37.625
This tanks spiritual growth faster than nearly anything.

01:09:37.625 --> 01:09:39.028
It is immoral.

01:09:39.028 --> 01:09:40.831
Arius, lewdness.

01:09:40.831 --> 01:09:44.398
How do we help ourselves during LO?

01:09:44.398 --> 01:09:46.306
How does a person go about it?

01:09:46.306 --> 01:10:00.631
Someone walks into your office and says I am just a well-meaning, good person and I watch things I shouldn't watch or do things I shouldn't do, and I wish I could stop, but I can't Please help me.

01:10:00.631 --> 01:10:01.632
What do you say?

01:10:03.314 --> 01:10:03.654
Wow.

01:10:03.654 --> 01:10:20.756
So very, very difficult topic to address in a very short kind of way and, as you mentioned, something that I think a lot of people can identify with, but let's talk about it a little bit.

01:10:20.756 --> 01:11:18.868
So I think that, in short, a lot of it would be connected to what we spoke about earlier and this is definitely something that I address with my clients and that is that we also have to go back to what we spoke about before again, about being able to approach this in a way of work, not in a way of only success and outcome, especially as the problem is so prevalent, as the problem is so all over the place, and for somebody who already struggles with this to have the thought that I'm going to be able to completely get this out of my life and stop cold turkey and I'm never going to have any failings, that is completely unrealistic and it's not going to work and it'll only bring on despair when the person you know has their first fall or when they recognize that the you know that the challenge is too big for them to overcome.

01:11:18.868 --> 01:11:29.681
So one of the most helpful things that I share with my clients is actually I can share this a short little saying that I heard based on a story.

01:11:29.681 --> 01:11:30.425
So here it goes.

01:11:31.167 --> 01:11:32.871
So Ramnoch Orlowikwa mentioned before.

01:11:32.871 --> 01:11:40.122
I heard from him that when he was learning as a yeshiva bachar this goes back probably 60 years ago or so he was learning about Vigdor Miller.

01:11:40.122 --> 01:11:40.532
I'm not sure where the story took place.

01:11:40.532 --> 01:11:41.344
A yeshiva Bacher, this goes back probably 60 years ago or so.

01:11:41.344 --> 01:11:44.876
He was learning about Vigdor Miller, I'm not sure where the story took place.

01:11:44.876 --> 01:11:45.421
Which yeshiva?

01:11:45.421 --> 01:11:49.265
I imagine it was in Rabkhai in Berlin where Vigdor Miller was the mashkiach there.

01:11:50.448 --> 01:11:56.525
And one day Rabnoach Wolowek, his chavrusa, comes in and he confides to Rabnoach.

01:11:56.525 --> 01:12:03.992
He says to you know, my Yetzirah is driving me crazy, it's just too much, I don't know what to do anymore.

01:12:03.992 --> 01:12:07.054
And he was referring to this Yetzirah, the Yetzirah of Arayah.

01:12:07.054 --> 01:12:14.613
So Rabnoach said to his chavrusa he said listen, why don't you go ask Rebbe, maybe he'll have a suggestion for you?

01:12:14.613 --> 01:12:28.826
He goes over to Wigdemiller, for Wigdemiller, and Wigdemiller is sitting there and this Talmud leans over and he says Rebbe, I don't know what to do, my Yitzhak is driving me crazy, I just don't have a solution for it.

01:12:28.826 --> 01:12:34.341
So Wigdemiller looks up at him and he says don't worry about it.

01:12:34.341 --> 01:12:36.907
The first hundred years are the hardest.

01:12:39.150 --> 01:12:40.113
I'm not sure what to do with that.

01:12:40.993 --> 01:12:41.956
I've kind of my stuff.

01:12:41.956 --> 01:13:09.052
The response of the middle was saying to him was that part of what makes the challenge so overwhelming is when a person's unwillingness to recognize that this is not something that you can just solve in a moment and that you know, if you only had the right solution and the right strategy, then you would be able to overcome this once and for all and live the glorious life that you would want to.

01:13:09.052 --> 01:13:16.470
No, that's not a good way to approach this and in fact, that's only going to create this overwhelming sense of this Bacher felt.

01:13:16.470 --> 01:13:18.835
I don't know what to do.

01:13:18.835 --> 01:13:21.079
Calm down, you know.

01:13:21.079 --> 01:13:22.764
Of course you have failings.

01:13:22.764 --> 01:13:23.786
Don't worry about it.

01:13:23.826 --> 01:13:25.911
The first hundred years are the hardest.

01:13:25.911 --> 01:13:27.213
Be prepared to work.

01:13:27.213 --> 01:13:30.408
It's so much connected with all everything we spoke about earlier.

01:13:30.408 --> 01:13:40.761
If you need to be some perfect person and you never need to, have, never allowed to have any failings, then you are going to feel very full of shame and despair with this struggle.

01:13:40.761 --> 01:13:50.117
But if you recognize that you need to work, definitely we have to have a way to work, and that goes back a little bit to what we talked about before creating a way to understand.

01:13:50.117 --> 01:13:52.286
This is something I do with my clients as well.

01:13:52.286 --> 01:14:18.402
We have to understand why we struggle the way we struggle, but at the same time, we have to recognize that this is something that we have to be willing to work on, and if we're willing to work, not only succeed and achieve, that makes the whole approach to it a lot less overwhelming and a lot more sensible, and a willingness, then, to engage in the work, because it's about the work.

01:14:18.402 --> 01:14:19.162
What is the work?

01:14:19.162 --> 01:14:21.492
You want to know how we do the work.

01:14:21.492 --> 01:14:24.051
You want to know how, how I work hard.

01:14:24.393 --> 01:14:25.497
Is it protection?

01:14:25.497 --> 01:14:27.470
Is it filters?

01:14:27.470 --> 01:14:28.994
Is it not going out?

01:14:28.994 --> 01:14:31.533
Is it maybe committing to praying harder?

01:14:31.533 --> 01:14:32.496
What is the work?

01:14:34.546 --> 01:14:35.368
All of the above.

01:14:35.368 --> 01:14:38.591
You know it's it's so hard to address in a in a short way.

01:14:38.591 --> 01:14:40.496
If the work is whatever works, you know how do you run a business.

01:14:40.496 --> 01:14:40.972
You know it's so hard to address in a short way.

01:14:40.972 --> 01:14:41.876
If the work is whatever works, you know how do you run a business.

01:14:41.876 --> 01:14:42.407
You know how do you?

01:14:42.407 --> 01:14:44.092
How do you run a business?

01:14:44.092 --> 01:14:46.273
You have to figure out what works.

01:14:46.273 --> 01:14:48.753
You know sometimes this works, sometimes that works.

01:14:48.753 --> 01:14:51.610
I think this should be run like a business lab, though.

01:14:51.610 --> 01:14:53.936
You know, sometimes this works, sometimes that works.

01:14:54.185 --> 01:14:56.890
But definitely, when you're running a business, you can't sit on the couch and do nothing.

01:14:56.890 --> 01:14:58.131
You can't sit on the couch and do nothing.

01:14:58.131 --> 01:14:59.073
You can't be overwhelmed.

01:14:59.073 --> 01:15:01.136
Oh my gosh, I have bills to pay at the end of the month.

01:15:01.136 --> 01:15:02.359
How am I ever going to get there?

01:15:02.359 --> 01:15:04.666
And it's so hard.

01:15:04.666 --> 01:15:13.300
You have to figure out some strategies to create a good business plan and a good way of working, not a way of reaching $10 million.

01:15:13.300 --> 01:15:20.578
You don't have to want to be Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos in order to work in your business.

01:15:20.744 --> 01:15:27.570
This is another good example I have to have a shifa, to be like Jeff Bezos, then I'll work in my business.

01:15:27.570 --> 01:15:29.993
Otherwise, why would I get up and go to work in the morning?

01:15:29.993 --> 01:15:31.972
That's absolute foolishness.

01:15:31.972 --> 01:15:33.492
No, because you have bills to pay.

01:15:33.492 --> 01:15:37.230
There's something very serious and important that needs to get done, so you have to figure out how to do it.

01:15:37.230 --> 01:16:02.604
No-transcript.

01:16:08.125 --> 01:16:11.819
You have to find something that resonates with you as to why you want to work on it, and this also goes back to speaking about commitments in general.

01:16:11.819 --> 01:16:18.421
So one point we made about commitments earlier was to find something that find the reason why something is hard for us.

01:16:18.421 --> 01:16:25.055
But now that we found, let's say, why something is a struggle for us, the second half of it is what the Mishnah called.

01:16:25.055 --> 01:16:33.895
You know the benefit, the skarmis like what can I get out of doing this?

01:16:33.895 --> 01:16:36.199
That would resonate with me.

01:16:36.199 --> 01:17:01.546
So if I decide to, for example, just work on Kedusha simply because it's wrong with me, so if I decide to, for example, just work on Kedusha simply because it's wrong and I don't want to do it, and even if I understand why I have a pull to it, but now I don't introduce any reason or anything that resonates with me for why I would like to work on this, then that's going to be a very difficult challenge because I have nothing that's fueling my drive or my energy to work, other than that I don't want to be doing this.

01:17:01.546 --> 01:17:08.190
Or an example of what I want to be doing, let's say, when it comes to cabalism, I just want to do it, but I don't have anything that speaks to me.

01:17:08.190 --> 01:17:13.354
But remember, earlier we spoke about that and we said some solutions about going with something that works right.

01:17:13.354 --> 01:17:17.393
So, for Kedusha, for example, finding a reason why that might resonate.

01:17:17.393 --> 01:17:25.006
I gave some examples earlier about, let's say, work.

01:17:25.006 --> 01:17:25.628
You know, doing exercise.

01:17:25.628 --> 01:17:28.640
You know, if all I knew was that I need to do exercise because the doctor said I need to do exercise, it might fizzle out pretty fast.

01:17:28.640 --> 01:17:40.914
But if I could attach in my own mind some reason why that's important to me, let's say, I value my health and I value being around for my family for a long time and I can link my exercise with being healthy.

01:17:40.914 --> 01:18:04.872
So then, now I have a very strong reason why, even if it's 12 o'clock at night and I'm, you know, finishing off my late show here with Michal by the pleasure of speaking to, I might still change into my jogging clothing and go for a jog, even though I'm not so in the mood, because the idea of exercising resonates with me in my life because it has some importance and some meaning in doing it.

01:18:04.872 --> 01:18:06.335
So, going to Kedusha.

01:18:07.095 --> 01:18:12.234
It's very difficult to give an example that will resonate with everybody, but let's give one, okay.

01:18:12.234 --> 01:18:16.309
Let's say somebody who's married struggles in the area of Kedusha.

01:18:16.309 --> 01:18:31.930
There could be some ideas that might motivate them and resonate with them to say why it's helpful for them to work on Kedusha because it adds, for example, to a healthier relationship with their spouse, which they value.

01:18:31.930 --> 01:18:32.993
That could resonate.

01:18:32.993 --> 01:18:55.458
When I don't engage in something that's a contradiction or something that's going to interfere, and recognizing that that interferes with my commitment to my wife or my ability to relate to her in an appropriate way, or I can recognize that it's about loyalty and that's something that resonates with me.

01:18:55.458 --> 01:19:07.756
If I find some way to approach my commitment in a way that it has a, it resonates that's the word I'm going to keep on using I'll also have a much easier chance of getting it done.

01:19:08.045 --> 01:19:12.056
I want to just sum up, michal, like three points that I want to make in terms of commitment.

01:19:12.056 --> 01:19:15.975
So one is to recognize why something is difficult.

01:19:15.975 --> 01:19:26.524
Once we understand that, as we spoke about earlier earlier, it'll be a lot more simple to now find a way to address what we need to address in terms of the caballo, the commitment we want to make.

01:19:26.524 --> 01:19:31.777
The second point is to find, on the flip side, then well, why it's difficult.

01:19:31.777 --> 01:19:33.046
But now, why would I want to do it?

01:19:33.046 --> 01:19:35.171
What could resonate about davening for me?

01:19:35.171 --> 01:19:36.655
What could resonate about learning?

01:19:36.756 --> 01:19:37.582
Why is learning important?

01:19:37.582 --> 01:19:40.202
I know now why it's difficult for me, for all the reasons that you know we didn't mention, but there could be many reasons.

01:19:40.202 --> 01:19:40.728
Okay, why is learning important?

01:19:40.728 --> 01:19:42.207
I know now why it's difficult for me, for all the reasons that you know we didn't mention, but there could be many reasons.

01:19:42.207 --> 01:19:43.887
Okay, why is it important now?

01:19:43.887 --> 01:19:46.697
Why would I want to devote another half hour a day to learning?

01:19:46.697 --> 01:19:52.006
There could be different parts of Talmud Torah, the mitzvot Talmud Torah, that speak to me personally.

01:19:52.447 --> 01:20:07.059
When I connect a part of that to my commitment, when I connect my own interest and something that would be interesting and motivate me, that gives a far more impactful and lasting Kabbalah.

01:20:07.059 --> 01:20:19.041
Because now there's a reason why I would keep it up, even come Purim time, even come Hanukkah time, because it still makes sense to exercise even six months after you see the doctor, not only the next day.

01:20:19.041 --> 01:20:22.371
If it's all about getting all scared and nervous, the doctor says you need it for your heart.

01:20:22.371 --> 01:20:26.851
So you have to get all nervous, so you'll jog for a week and then you'll say it's too hard.

01:20:26.851 --> 01:20:31.956
But if you say you know what Health is important, my family's important, that could keep up six months later.

01:20:31.956 --> 01:20:37.654
Also, I connected some idea that resonates with me and therefore I could keep up this commitment and it'll keep on going.

01:20:37.835 --> 01:20:40.960
But here's the third very important point Doable, practical.

01:20:40.960 --> 01:20:43.432
This is something that I think people probably heard before.

01:20:43.432 --> 01:20:45.811
You know you can't make a big commitment.

01:20:45.811 --> 01:20:48.614
You can't commit to going jogging every single night.

01:20:48.614 --> 01:20:54.095
You know that's not going to last, but maybe you could decide, you know, two to three nights a week.

01:20:54.095 --> 01:21:04.760
You can't commit to davening the whole semester, even if you understand why davening is hard, which was point number one, even if you understand and now you, something about davening resonates with you.

01:21:04.760 --> 01:21:05.707
You got point number two.

01:21:05.707 --> 01:21:07.712
You're not going to keep that up for the whole.

01:21:07.733 --> 01:21:08.494
Shemai Nesrei.

01:21:08.494 --> 01:21:11.548
You know you're not going to be able to learn an extra five hours a day.

01:21:11.548 --> 01:21:18.319
You're not going to be able to completely now with Kedusha, with a late essay, it gets very tricky.

01:21:18.319 --> 01:21:23.832
So we can never condone doing negative things, but we have to be practical about how to work on it.

01:21:23.832 --> 01:21:24.755
I could talk more about that.

01:21:24.755 --> 01:21:29.226
I know it's very late, but the third point was doing it a Kabbalah, a commitment.

01:21:29.226 --> 01:21:30.070
That's practical.

01:21:30.070 --> 01:21:31.524
If we put these three things together.

01:21:32.046 --> 01:21:44.770
When it comes to commitment I've tried it myself you can have a much far lasting impact much beyond you knowuyam kippur, beyond sukkot, even beyond kanaka, even beyond purim.

01:21:44.770 --> 01:22:01.171
If you understand why you struggle where you struggle, if now you make a effort to add on something, that why this resonates with you, why you want to do what you're doing, why you want to work on this myth, but why you want to work on this avera and to make a kabbalah, that's very, super practical.

01:22:01.171 --> 01:22:01.752
That you're you do have to put, but why you want to work on this Avera and to make a Kabbalah, that's very, super practical.

01:22:01.752 --> 01:22:15.993
That you do have to put an effort, like you can't sit on your couch, whether that's 10 minutes more of learning, whether that's first brachashmanes right, whether that's doing X, y and Z when it comes to Gidusha, what you're going to do specifically, practically, it has to be very practical.

01:22:15.993 --> 01:22:17.113
Practical if you do that.

01:22:17.173 --> 01:22:19.136
Macaw, nothing is guaranteed in life.

01:22:19.136 --> 01:22:19.877
We're not perfect.

01:22:19.877 --> 01:22:21.359
We might have some failings along the way.

01:22:21.359 --> 01:22:25.729
Actually, we'll definitely have some failings along the way, but, um, you know.

01:22:25.729 --> 01:22:28.755
But I think that that can be helpful it's.

01:22:28.814 --> 01:22:29.856
It's super helpful.

01:22:29.856 --> 01:22:30.358
It's.

01:22:30.358 --> 01:22:32.408
It's like I'm jumping out of my skin.

01:22:32.448 --> 01:22:36.396
Type of helpful um you're gonna try, macaw, and you're gonna.

01:22:36.658 --> 01:22:50.895
I'm gonna see you in short current time and you're gonna say to me if going to see you in Shul, purim time, and you're going to say to me, if you know some of the ideas we spoke about and some of the things that maybe you try, that you might say to me you know this is the first year Well, not you, I know you're a perfect guy, but let's just say you like it to me, purim time.

01:22:51.064 --> 01:23:07.796
This is the first time that I actually use these strategies and I'm keeping a commitment that I made from, I don't know, rosh Hashanah or even beginning of Eul Chai DeShawel, till now, because it made sense, because I know why it was hard.

01:23:07.796 --> 01:23:11.134
Once I figured that out, I knew what I had to do to address it and I worked on that.

01:23:11.134 --> 01:23:13.747
I worked on it and I did something super simple.

01:23:13.747 --> 01:23:17.913
You know it was only five minutes, or it was only one brussel, or it was only this and this.

01:23:17.913 --> 01:23:23.752
And of course, that doesn't mean it's going to be easy, like, yeah, it's harder part of time, but you still have a reason to push through.

01:23:23.752 --> 01:23:38.734
Like I said, it's not easy after ending the show at 12.30 to get up and you know I'd rather go into bed maybe, but it still has a possibility of influencing me and me actually doing what it is that I'm committed to doing.

01:23:40.229 --> 01:23:42.429
You got to know your, why you got to know your.

01:23:42.429 --> 01:23:44.029
Why Is that something we can say?

01:23:44.425 --> 01:23:49.274
You got to know why you're doing it Exactly and it's so simple, but so many people never think about this.

01:23:49.765 --> 01:23:52.475
All they say is okay, look at this whole list.

01:23:52.475 --> 01:23:54.712
I look at the Qidda from out of the top.

01:23:54.712 --> 01:23:57.534
I have a problem with everything and I need to change everything.

01:23:57.534 --> 01:24:00.997
So I'm going to work on changing everything and I'm going to get all nervous.

01:24:00.997 --> 01:24:04.720
I'm in kenya, raf, and then nothing works, you know, or even those who are a little bit more intelligent.

01:24:04.720 --> 01:24:11.565
So you know, I'm not going to work on everything and there's no time to say you have to make a cabal, katana, so I'll work on one thing, but then they never thought about points one or two.

01:24:11.565 --> 01:24:12.467
You know either.

01:24:12.467 --> 01:24:13.630
Why is it so hard for me?

01:24:13.630 --> 01:24:15.231
You know, and they never thought about.

01:24:15.231 --> 01:24:18.377
Well, why do I want to work on this, other than I know that God says you need to work on it.

01:24:18.377 --> 01:24:23.594
That's what the Mishnah calls the Hefzad Havera or the Karameitza.

01:24:23.594 --> 01:24:26.930
But you have to know why that's important to you.

01:24:26.930 --> 01:24:34.033
If you can find something that resonates, you have a far stronger reason to be able to have your commitment be lasting and why you'll want to work on it.

01:24:38.194 --> 01:24:42.447
I remember when I first got a Y for Torah study, when, and the summer and everything else.

01:24:42.447 --> 01:24:44.893
I remember when I first got a Y for Torah study when I was in Yeshiva.

01:24:44.893 --> 01:24:50.855
You had to learn, because that's how you get a good shidduch and that's how you kind of just float through and make friends.

01:24:50.855 --> 01:24:55.893
It's cool to learn now, only less cool people don't learn.

01:24:55.893 --> 01:25:07.832
But once I got a Y which is that I wanted my family to think that I was super holy and knew a lot of Torah like that actually mattered to me.

01:25:07.832 --> 01:25:11.770
And then I also wanted to have ulterior motives.

01:25:11.770 --> 01:25:18.471
I wanted to be the most well-educated so that I could go ahead and maybe become a big rabbi and get paid.

01:25:18.471 --> 01:25:19.555
And I want to pay my bills.

01:25:19.555 --> 01:25:22.265
And if I'm a bad rabbi I can only make $40,000.

01:25:22.265 --> 01:25:33.055
But if I'm a great rabbi even though it was a bad ulterior motive, when I found a bad why but at least it was a real why that resonated for me.

01:25:33.055 --> 01:25:40.862
It helped to spur a better memory because it mattered more, more energy.

01:25:40.862 --> 01:25:50.890
Hitting the gym in younger years had a why, as I wanted to make sure that the person I was guarding in basketball had a miserable life and we would win.

01:25:50.890 --> 01:25:55.413
So now there's a reason to hit the gym and there's a why there, so it's coming in.

01:25:56.688 --> 01:26:16.618
I would like to conclude with one last hopefully picking at a scab that hopefully isn't infected opening up of a wound type of topic, and that is maybe where it all begins in climbing up the hill of Chuva.

01:26:16.618 --> 01:26:26.551
But we don't really need to climb the hill, we just need to continue to try our best to climb the hill and do it in a healthy, balanced way, and we're going to work really hard and we're going to do it, as you say, and we have all these new points here.

01:26:26.551 --> 01:26:31.970
But first you gotta remove your shoes, because the ground is holy.

01:26:31.970 --> 01:26:34.275
Or, if desler writes, you got to be honest with yourselves.

01:26:34.275 --> 01:26:36.127
Moshe rabbeinu's first step is you.

01:26:36.167 --> 01:26:38.072
There's a removing of your shoes.

01:26:38.072 --> 01:27:12.208
You have to have the boldness and the courage to be honest with sins, to be honest with shortcomings, to have the honesty to say I struggle here to have the halachic understanding of saying wie du, as Hirsch explains because you need to audibly admit and not quell the self-righteousness or masquerade that we put up.

01:27:12.208 --> 01:27:17.953
I don't know if that made any sense, but we have to be honest with ourselves of certain shortcomings we have.

01:27:17.953 --> 01:27:31.087
But when we're honest with ourselves and when we look back, that can bring back some past demons and also bring us down and chain us to the bottom of Mariana's trench.

01:27:31.087 --> 01:27:37.418
So I think that's the deepest trench in the world, the lowest sea level.

01:27:37.418 --> 01:27:47.658
But how do we, in a very healthy way, look at our past and be honest with our mistakes and still attempt to climb the mountain of Chuva?

01:27:47.658 --> 01:27:52.990
I promise I'll let you go after this, I promise.

01:27:53.190 --> 01:27:56.216
You know it's really.

01:27:56.756 --> 01:27:57.337
What does that mean?

01:27:57.337 --> 01:27:57.899
What does that mean?

01:27:58.426 --> 01:28:07.246
That means that you, you know, when a wise person asks the question, very often the answer is within the question, or a big part of the answer is within the question.

01:28:07.246 --> 01:28:14.836
So I was referring to the way you just kind of set up the question, speaking about you know, being able to be honest with ourselves.

01:28:14.836 --> 01:28:36.153
And you know, being able to do that is definitely a challenge and, uh, you know it, though that will be easier if I'm going to keep on referring to everything that we kept on saying here tonight if we can recognize that it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay to struggle.

01:28:36.153 --> 01:28:38.524
First hundred years are the hardest.

01:28:38.704 --> 01:28:41.372
You know the Mesil Sishar in the beginning of his Sefer in Zahirah.

01:28:41.372 --> 01:28:45.319
He is not trying to make this particular point.

01:28:45.319 --> 01:28:48.489
He's bringing this concept of this idea for something else.

01:28:48.489 --> 01:28:58.577
But what he does say is is he brings a whole litany of examples of some of the greatest people in our history, who all had failures.

01:28:58.577 --> 01:29:00.841
He says Avram failed.

01:29:00.841 --> 01:29:09.255
When he said Bama Eda and Yaakov Avinu had failures, they were all punished brutally.

01:29:09.255 --> 01:29:11.070
Yes, definitely.

01:29:11.070 --> 01:29:16.432
So that's actually the point he's coming to make, which can open up a whole other topic here.

01:29:16.432 --> 01:29:19.154
Mccall, we can have a different night open for that, if you like.

01:29:20.957 --> 01:29:23.230
I think he's waking up here in a couple hours, but yeah.

01:29:24.948 --> 01:29:37.155
But what he does say is, which you can't ignore the fact is that there was never a human being okay, never, but he's basically bringing out the point that there's almost never, at least, a human being.

01:29:37.155 --> 01:29:47.591
We're not going to be greater than Avram or Yaakov or any of the people he lists there, any of the great men or women, and therefore we can very much.

01:29:47.591 --> 01:29:52.019
And Tzadosh Hashem is written as a Sefer to work on Avai Desh Hashem.

01:29:52.019 --> 01:29:55.154
You know, the purpose of the Sefer is to help you work.

01:29:55.154 --> 01:30:02.115
And he starts out in the beginning of the Sefer saying well, avraham never made it and yakov never, you know, really made it, and everybody had failings.

01:30:02.115 --> 01:30:03.497
So you know so.

01:30:03.497 --> 01:30:04.198
So what you just say?

01:30:04.198 --> 01:30:07.069
Oh, obviously he means to say, well, good luck, so you may as well do nothing.

01:30:07.069 --> 01:30:11.140
No, so get to work, get to work.

01:30:11.140 --> 01:30:12.444
You know so what?

01:30:12.444 --> 01:30:15.050
You're not perfect, I'm not perfect, nobody's perfect.

01:30:15.331 --> 01:30:24.403
If we can acknowledge that and it's easier for us to have a little bit more of an honest look at ourselves without feeling so broken, but if we feel like I'm the only one who struggles.

01:30:24.443 --> 01:30:32.188
And, by the way, when it comes to Gidusha, I think in today's world it's more widespread that people recognize it's a universal challenge.

01:30:32.188 --> 01:30:42.658
But often yeshiva bachram still will come in, you know, with the feeling that, like I, must be the only one in the world who struggles with it, you know, which of course adds to a lot of shame about the topic.

01:30:42.658 --> 01:30:52.163
But if we can recognize and that's part actually for those types of people, part of the work is just recognizing that it's a struggle, you know sometimes, you know as a question about therapy.

01:30:52.163 --> 01:31:02.201
You know, sometimes a broker who's struggling with this just needs a little bit of education and just understanding that he's not the only one who is struggling with this, with this, just needs a little bit of education and just the understanding that he's not the only one who's struggling with this.

01:31:02.201 --> 01:31:03.965
To help him just be able to function better, not be so destroyed.

01:31:03.965 --> 01:31:13.028
When he recognizes that, hey, I'm normal, you know, and it's just a normal struggle yeah, that is, is is it's almost like in this interview.

01:31:14.368 --> 01:31:19.335
It gives l more hope and more opportunity.

01:31:19.335 --> 01:31:27.253
It makes it feel like we've restored here, hopefully, some elements of that there.

01:31:27.253 --> 01:31:35.172
Yimei Ha'ava I found the Vilna Gones say that it's the Yimei Ha'arazon they're good, happy days.

01:31:35.172 --> 01:31:37.212
They're not scary days.

01:31:37.212 --> 01:31:52.876
They're days of, hopefully, introspection, honest introspection, and I love what you said there and perhaps we can conclude with this, as if it's this idea of I am a person and it's a challenge.

01:31:52.916 --> 01:31:55.141
The first 99 years are the hardest.

01:31:55.141 --> 01:31:57.105
First hundred years are the hardest.

01:31:57.105 --> 01:32:19.818
However, victor Miller said it and um, but I love getting to work and I clap Al-Khaid and Al-Shamnu, but that just inspires me to keep working on it and to make smart commitments based on understanding the root causes of some of the challenges.

01:32:19.818 --> 01:32:50.225
Understanding the root causes of some of the challenges, and when I get myself a why and I get myself a reason to stag and I give myself a purpose and I go about it in a smart and systematic way, then success is imminent, imminent, tshuva is probable and we'll all sing kumbaya with crowns on our heads in the future paradise in Olam Haba.

01:32:50.225 --> 01:32:52.673
Is that a summary?

01:32:53.550 --> 01:33:07.793
that's an amazing summary and it sounds like such a great episode that I'll make sure to listen to it myself, because I also can use some help with doing Chuva and figuring out how to approach this, so I hope to gain some great ideas on this episode.

01:33:08.167 --> 01:33:09.064
This is so good.

01:33:09.064 --> 01:33:20.359
I thank you so much for your time and any person definitely that needs or wants and is strongly encouraged to reach out, I'll leave all the ways they can get in touch with you.

01:33:20.359 --> 01:33:21.469
Hopefully it won't be.

01:33:21.469 --> 01:33:26.372
I'm definitely not going to go about putting your cell phone number, but there'll be an office number.

01:33:26.372 --> 01:33:42.860
So if someone wants to learn more about the ways that you can help people one-on-one and go about this in a certain way, highly encouraged and I'll leave that for them and thank you very much for your time.

01:33:42.860 --> 01:33:48.109
Kisiva ve'chassima tova and thank you.

01:33:48.965 --> 01:33:49.466
Pleasure.

01:33:49.466 --> 01:33:50.368
Pleasure was mine.

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