From Newlyweds to Golden Years: Rabbi Shafier's Marital Advice

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Bechazde Hashem Yusbara.

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It is with great excitement that we welcome the great Rabbi Shaffer in to the podcast.

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Most of you probably already know that name from Rabbi Shaffer's platform, the Shmooz website of teaching Torah and Muser ideas at a very large scale and also based on the new bestselling book Ten Really Dumb Mistakes that Very Smart Couples Make.

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And the book promises to be a Torah-based guide to a successful marriage.

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And well, the book helped me.

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It's Torah-based and it is a masterpiece.

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So, without further ado, welcome Rabbi Shaffer to the podcast.

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Thank you, my pleasure to be here.

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So I know that most of the olam, most of the audience, does know Rabbi Shaffer, but it may, I think, perhaps if the Rav could just maybe give a short introduction as to what the Shmooz is, how it came to be, and perhaps a little bit about the Rav's background and how the book came to be, just to kick it off.

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Sure, Okay.

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So I began as a high school Rebbe.

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I was in Khovetzheim, Yashiva, for many years and I was a high school Rebbe in Rochester and many years ago, the Roshiva's itself, I believe it was asked me to start a Tres Benetor, which was an organization for the working guys.

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These were guys who have been in Yashiva and maybe they learned a lot, maybe they learned very little.

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The common side was they were now in the workforce and the Roshiva's itself felt there was nothing for them.

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So the Shmooz really began as sort of a lightning rod.

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Then we had Kola Bokas, we had morning programs, live programs, various programs.

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It was in Queens Brook, the Munty, and the Shmooz was really the central port of that and that was really my involvement.

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And the Shmooz kind of grow into its own entity.

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And this is really 20 years now.

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Wow, 20 years in the making, Wow, yeah.

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Yeah, I know I'm only 39.

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It's amazing, isn't it?

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But the Khaze Hashem it's still around and that's really where it came to be.

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Wow, the Shmooz functions as just a website.

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Is it an app?

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So the Shmooz we have the Shmoozcom, the Shmooz app, the Shmooz podcast.

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The idea is Ashkafah Muser basics, all the thinking questions that are from Jews should be asking, should be dealing with why does Shem create me?

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What's life about Really dealing with Amunah Bittachon, all of the issues that we should be dealing with.

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That's what the Shmooz deals with and it really is in many different formats, many different ways books, etc.

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The Shmooz is focused on Tevrey Muser and inspiration and Amunah and Bittachon.

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So with business successful and people learning Tyra at a very large scale.

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So why the left turn to the talk of the book, which, for anyone that doesn't know, about Shalom Bayez and keeping harmony in the home.

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Right, okay, it's a fair question.

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So really, as a Shmooz began growing, I became sort of the center point for many of the issues Guys who come to the problems issues.

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Now, when we began the questions were innocent enough and the issues they were dealing with was simple enough.

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But as the guys starting getting married and they started bringing in marriage questions, you know again in the first few years it was also again they were innocent questions how do we deal with my mother-in-law, how do we deal with this problem?

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And I felt you know able to deal with them.

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I was a few years older, I'd gone through some of life already.

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It wasn't a problem.

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But as the Hebra got older, the questions became more deep and the issues became far more intractable and I found myself in a very interesting dilemma.

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A couple would come to me with a problem in the marriage and I didn't have a clue what the problem was, how to deal with it, how to solve it.

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At the time I'd been married maybe 15 years or so In Berkshire.

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We're happily married.

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But you know, to understand how to sort of analyze someone else's marriage, what's going wrong and how to repair it wasn't something I was equipped with and really, to be honest with you, in the first few years we lost quite a number of those couples.

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You know there were a lot of divorces and I found myself in a terrible situation where they would come to me as a dastor.

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They would come to me for my advice and I didn't have a clue.

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So I would take couples to marriage councils, marriage therapists and, to be honest with you, many marriage therapists have less of a knowledge than I did.

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So I began studying, I began learning, I began getting into this and again, initially I can't say that everything I said was rocket science.

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But when you deal with hundreds and hundreds of couples and after many years you start studying what works and what doesn't work, and you read the khazals and you read the books and you begin putting together certain ideas, after a while I felt I got a pretty good handle on why marriages succeed and why they fail and, more importantly, what they really need for a couple to be happily married.

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Now, along the way, this was sort of an experience of me I would deal with couples who come into my office and often time my jaw would drop, I would hear my wife over here and they'd be saying things that I'd say to myself there's no way in the world that they can understand the damage that they're bringing to this marriage.

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There's no way she can understand, no way he can understand.

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There's no way rational people would wreck their marriage this way.

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I don't get it.

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But when you see couple after couple making the same dumb mistakes, I began to realize I get it.

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It's clearly not so obvious and the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make grew out of my informal marriage counseling marriage practice.

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I'm not a marriage therapist, I'm not a marriage counselor, but again, after dealing with hundreds and hundreds of couples and I still to this day I'll see a couple one time I sort of give them some direction.

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I'm not a marriage therapist by profession, I don't make my living this way.

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But after seeing enough of it, you begin to put the patterns together, begin to put the ideas together, and what you do is, hopefully, you give some direction and advice.

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And that's really what the book is direction and advice, how to live a happier marriage than most many people do.

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To jump on that.

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If the Ruv has the messiah right and the Ruv obviously has a successful marriage and things are working out, what change?

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Why couldn't it just be well, be nice to your spouse and stop leaving your socks on the floor and let's, come on, be like a regular schmooze?

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Right, right, right.

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So I guess you'd be right in theory.

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But the problem is that life has changed dramatically, both since I was a young man and certainly you know, and you look back in 1950s, united States America.

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Those are happy days.

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A young man would marry a young woman.

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They'd buy a house and a suburbs with a white picket fence, 1.5 kids, anda, dog and live married happily ever.

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After those days are gone, times are changing and we no longer live in those times and marriages change dramatically.

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The amount of time that a young couple will spend together.

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You know let me start this way Every marriage needs an adjustment.

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There's an adjustment period learning to live with another person, learning to learn different quotes, you know, basically basic tendencies, quirks, different gender differences.

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So, no matter when you got married, there was an adjustment period and there was strife and issues.

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But in the good old days number one there was time both parties understood divorce wasn't an option.

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Once divorce became an option, immediately both parties are heading for the doors.

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And number two we're dealing at a time where people are extraordinarily self-centered and I have to be honest with you also, developmentally, emotionally, no longer as robust, no longer as resilient as it had been, and I have to tell you, marriages now don't last the speed of the divorce.

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I believe the land speed record was recently set.

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A fellow called me up.

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He said right well, you have to help me and my daughter's recently got married and they're having a lot of trouble.

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Please, please help me.

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It was a sport of the schmooze.

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I said fine.

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Anyway, the Hussein contacted me that night.

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He said listen, we can't meet tonight because we're still finishing Chevrolet Brokers, but we can meet Wednesday night.

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I said oh, my goodness, I mean they weren't out of.

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Chevrolet.

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Brokers, and we're already dealing with the kind of stuff that, like you know, we're not here six years into a marriage.

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So what I'm going to tell you it seems to be very common now that the problem is beginning to begin surfacing way earlier, way deeper, and there's very little shoulder to the road.

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You either get it right away or, unfortunately, it becomes very, very dangerous and very damaging.

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So, once you started to see that the questions are coming in and something needs to be done, more information needs to be acquired and delivered to the couples and something needs to be fixed when specifically did the Rav?

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Where did you turn for that?

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Kachma.

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So I learned my Rabbi, the Rashi'vah Z'al.

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Rabbi Libowitz was a tremendous pikeach and a Balmoussa and he taught us the Sodus of Musa.

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I had the opportunity to learn some about marriage from the Rashi'vah Z'al because I was a young married when the Rashi'vah still was healthy and well and teaching and I did consult.

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But to be honest with you, it really had to be learned the hard way because unfortunately the Rashi'vah Z'al passed away now quite a number of years ago and I was still a young man.

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So a lot of the knowledge and a lot of it was gained just simply by being out there.

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Again, reading, dealing, understanding and really understanding.

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You know a lot of it are basics.

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Once you get it and I'm sure if you read the book you'll see you begin to put the pattern together gender differences.

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Once you understand that a man is significantly different than a woman and you understand in what ways everything starts making sense.

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You start putting things together.

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Once you understand what a marriage needs, the etsim, the relationship needs and what is required, you begin to sort of like you fill in the dots.

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It becomes sort of clear and obvious.

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So really a lot of what I did was just sort of again learn the Huzal's, read various marriage books that are out there to secular again.

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Pretty much every popular marriage book that's out there I believe I've read and you know, eventually you put together ideas, eventually you sort of sort things through and eventually, hopefully, you put together something that makes sense and is able to allow a couple to live happily ever after and once the information, once you feel like you had the answer, the first place that you went was to put a book out.

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So initially I began giving shure, you know, because the shrews is, you know, has a certain platform.

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So I put together the marriage seminar, which is a 12 part.

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You know, it's an audio lecture on how to live a happily marriage.

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I put that out and it became popular.

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I gave that a few times in public, I was speaking various places and after a while, you know, it became clearer, more and more clear to me that young couples especially don't have a clue and what happens is they get married without having a clue and they don't learn along the way because they make the same mistakes.

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They assume oh it's my husband, oh it's my wife, forget about it.

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And they never learn.

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Everybody wants to be happily married.

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No one wants to be in a miserable marriage or even in a lackluster marriage.

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The problem is what could I do?

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It's my husband, it's my wife, what could I?

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What's stuck?

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Getting married today is not a simple business at all.

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Everyone comes in with so much of a sense of entitlement.

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Everyone comes in with so much of a sense of it's me without me.

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It's what I call WIFM.

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Everyone's tuned into that radio session.

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What's in it for me?

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And when you come in with great emotional fragility.

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When you come in with tremendous sense of entitlement and you come in with the understanding that this is going to be beautiful, my wife is going to serve my every need, my husband is going to solve my every emotional problem, you come in with ready for disaster.

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The book was my attempt to bring some shed some light, bring some understanding and let people understand what's needed so you can correct it.

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Now don't get me wrong, paul.

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I want you to understand something and many, many people call me up, robert Schaefer.

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Can you help me?

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Robert Schaefer, I have this problem, I say.

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The first question I ask is did you read the book?

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No, would you read the book?

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No, why not?

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Come on, I need a solution.

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The problem is obvious, my wife.

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The problem is obvious Get with the program.

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Let me be very clear If you're unwilling to work, you will not be successfully married.

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I don't care how good you Midos are, I don't care how good your family is.

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If you're unable to change, if you're unable to grow, you will fail in marriage period.

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But even if you're ready to work, and even if you're really ready and have the emotional fortitude to really change, unless you know what the work is, you're going to fail Because unless you know what needs to be changed, what needs to be dealt with, how you need to speak, what you need to say, when you need to say, you're not going to know what you're doing.

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You don't drive a car without lessons.

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In California, it takes six months and a tremendous amount of preparation to take a course to be a barber.

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But to get married you take a test 20 bucks and you're ready.

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It's very sad that in our society there isn't a lot more preparation for marriage and, believe me, the parents spend an untold amount of money on the wedding and the prep and the gifts.

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But how about preparing the chastan and kala for what they're going to be in, the relationship that they're going to be in for the rest of life, hopefully?

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Unfortunately, is very little time spent.

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So bottom line is you've got to work but you have to know what you're doing.

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And again, the book and the video book is my attempt to give some DAS and DEA to what needs to be done.

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This was very interesting to me.

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There are 10 really dumb mistakes that smart couples make, and I'm interested to hear how the road got down to just 10 and what sticks out by these mistakes.

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Okay so, to be honest with you, it was difficult to parse it down to 10.

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I really had to.

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There are more, but these are the 10 most glaring, most common and more than that, and the most damaging.

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Let's deal with one that's so obvious.

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Very often a couple, whether the husband or the wife, wants to help their spouse because they're good people, right, and so I can't help but notice what my spouse does wrong, and I point it out because, listen, I'm concerned, I want my spouse to be better, I want them to improve.

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So I can't help but point out what it is they do wrong.

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And what I don't understand is the damage that I brought to the relationship.

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And now the word criticism should be eradicated from any relationship, but especially the closer the relationship, the more it's damaging, the more it's destructive.

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But criticism doesn't mean I am criticizing you.

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Criticism means anything where I point out that you could be better, you could improve, you're not doing properly, and the husband and wife can't help but notice what each other does wrong.

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Listen, you're living in a closest proximity, you have a tremendous amount of things to do one with the other, and more than that, you're by nature, different people.

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So it's always going to be my strength and my spouse's weakness.

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That's going to be most glaring to me.

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So, for instance, let's assume for a minute I'm very neat and my spouse isn't.

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I'm very punctual and my spouse isn't.

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Now, clearly, to me, punctuality and neatness is a key criteria and I believe much of my success is due to it, and therefore I can't help but notice that my spouse is not.

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And because she's not and I care for her, I'm going to want to point it out to her, I'm going to want to explain it to her, and I can't help but notice how often she's not on time or she's not neat, and it's costing her time, efficiency, it's costing the house, it's costing us embarrassment, and so I can't help but repeat and repeat and repeat how many times she would do better, it would be better, and what I'm not recognizing is the damage I'm bringing to the relationship.

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You see, this one single criteria, because it's my strength and my spouse's weakness.

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And not only can I not help but notice it, but I can't even understand why doesn't she just change?

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It's so easy for me, it's so easy for me to be on time, it's so easy for me to be neat.

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Why don't you just do it as well.

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Obviously you don't care, obviously you don't love me, obviously, whatever you obviously is.

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But the simple reality that there's a different human being with different tendency, different interests, different inclinations than I never seems to cross my mind.

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And this is probably one of the biggest mistakes that very small couples make and we become experts at what our spouse does wrong.

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Understanding my job is to be a best friend.

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The best friend supports, the best friend is helpful, the best friend sees the best and only the best, and the best friend is encouraging and not critical is a very, very important ingredient for successful marriage.

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And it's so, it's so corrosive to the relationship because if you're not careful about it, it'll be there all the time, every time, and after a while your wife, your husband, whatever he realizes this person really doesn't approve of me, doesn't love me, doesn't really respect me, and the marriage very quickly heads south.

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The fourth mistake forgetting that respect comes first.

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It caught my attention where it's presented in the book with a Ram Bam and Yadah Chazakha Hilchaz Isho's Perak Teshbav.

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This is a safer halacha, this is an insight on the Ram Bam, where you have a diuk, an inference in the Ram Bam, and you therefore put forth a khedish, your own approach.

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I'd like to give the floor to the Robb to give this over in all of its glory.

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Okay, so I'm going to do it, not from the Ram Bam.

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I want to tell you a story and I think the story will illustrate it even better.

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You have a young couple walking down the street.

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He's on this side, she's on this side as they're walking, he trips.

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As he trips, she says are they, are you okay?

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Are you all right?

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That's scene one.

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Let's look at scene two.

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Same couple walking down the street as they're walking down, he trips and she says what?

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What's wrong with you Can't even walk down the street.

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What's the difference between scene one and scene two?

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What do you say?

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Maybe five years of marriage, one year and five years in.

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Scene one is when the Chosen and Kala.

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Scene two is when they're married already three years and this is the asso.

00:17:26.567 --> 00:17:32.201
You see, it's very easy to be respectful to other people and I'm outside, I'm on my best behavior.

00:17:32.201 --> 00:17:36.442
I brush my hair before I go out, I straighten my tie because I know I'm in the public eye.

00:17:36.442 --> 00:17:41.807
But when I come home, suddenly I act myself and maybe even way too much myself.

00:17:42.154 --> 00:17:44.163
Now, you can't be formal in a marriage.

00:17:44.163 --> 00:17:45.901
You have to be comfortable and you have to be yourself.

00:17:45.901 --> 00:17:49.404
But you also have to remember that respect comes first.

00:17:49.404 --> 00:17:51.702
I cannot tell you how many times I hear a couple speak to each other.

00:17:51.702 --> 00:17:55.400
I'm going to say that's crazy, as I've ever heard she would have just done, utterly done.

00:17:55.400 --> 00:17:57.679
You guys like each other, love each other.

00:17:57.679 --> 00:18:07.162
When you speak that way to your spouse not meaning to be harmful, not meaning but it damages the relationship so understanding that respect comes first.

00:18:07.162 --> 00:18:12.446
Now the Rambam is telling us that you're so in how to act and it's so in a marriage.

00:18:12.446 --> 00:18:17.214
But it's something that you have to focus on and remember and see on a daily basis.

00:18:17.214 --> 00:18:26.163
And you have to remember it because, again, in the heavy traffic of life, if you're not very cautious and very guarded it's going to come out and, by the way, I have an important muscle exercise.

00:18:26.234 --> 00:18:34.625
I believe the biggest, one of the greatest damages of our generation is that device called the phone, and whatever type of phone you have, but especially with the smartphone.

00:18:34.625 --> 00:18:40.159
However, there is one app on the smartphone, and probably even on a regular phone, that I believe is very useful.

00:18:40.159 --> 00:18:41.818
It's called the tape recorder.

00:18:41.818 --> 00:18:57.281
If you record a conversation between yourself and your spouse and you play back the conversation afterwards and listen very carefully, asking yourself one question am I as respectful to my spouse as I am to other people?

00:18:57.281 --> 00:19:06.005
Am I as nice to my spouse as I am to other people and do I speak with the same regard to my spouse as I do to other strangers?

00:19:06.005 --> 00:19:08.500
And there's a bot who likes to tell a joke.

00:19:08.500 --> 00:19:12.560
It's a wedding joke, so it's done a couple of finding.

00:19:12.560 --> 00:19:18.119
He says the phone rings Hello, oh hi how are?

00:19:18.299 --> 00:19:18.961
you, oh great.

00:19:18.961 --> 00:19:20.443
Thank you so much for calling Hang on.

00:19:20.443 --> 00:19:21.105
What happened?

00:19:21.105 --> 00:19:26.144
What happened is we know how to behave very well outside the home.

00:19:26.144 --> 00:19:30.104
Well, that's great, but you have to remember that it's even more important to behave that way in the home.

00:19:30.104 --> 00:19:31.700
But it requires focus.

00:19:31.700 --> 00:19:40.961
You see, I'm not meaning to and good people with good me dose If you don't carefully check yourself, if you don't guard yourself and you're going to slip down that slippery slope.

00:19:40.961 --> 00:19:47.080
So a tape recorder is a very good idea, but not to find what your spouse is doing wrong, to find where you're slipping up.

00:19:47.080 --> 00:19:50.460
How can I be more respectful, how can I be more appreciative?

00:19:50.460 --> 00:19:53.603
How can I speak in a way that will be better received?

00:19:53.603 --> 00:19:57.544
So in that sense, I think the tape recorder is a good, good, good device.

00:19:58.154 --> 00:19:59.317
In the introduction to the book.

00:19:59.317 --> 00:20:14.480
One of the haskamos is from Rabbi Per, I believe the rest of the of why FR is Shiva for a way, and he writes there that the Rabi Strel Salant are the great inaugurator and the founder of the Musser movement.

00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:20.747
He writes that marriage is the laboratory for one's meadows.

00:20:20.747 --> 00:20:30.826
And when it comes to this idea of the laboratory of marriage, what happened was that before marriage you never had to live in such close proximity.

00:20:30.826 --> 00:20:33.998
You were never a magnifying glass, my have Rusa.

00:20:33.998 --> 00:20:40.041
You know if I didn't respond nicely even to his svara and the Gamara, it was, you know it was okay.

00:20:40.041 --> 00:20:49.143
So there's a clear difference that the rough suggests, though between respect to one's wife and respect to one's husband.

00:20:49.143 --> 00:20:51.067
Can you elaborate on that?

00:20:51.891 --> 00:20:52.172
Okay.

00:20:52.172 --> 00:20:54.419
So this is really a major trapping in marriage.

00:20:54.419 --> 00:21:02.040
When you tell a woman I want you to respect your husband, she begins treating her husband with respect, as she would respect one of her friends.

00:21:02.040 --> 00:21:03.714
So I'll give you a classic example.

00:21:03.714 --> 00:21:16.098
If you're not aware that men and women are different, let me let you in on the clue, A secret men and women are different, but they're not topically different, they're not slightly different, they're different in every imaginable way, shape and form.

00:21:16.098 --> 00:21:21.354
They're different in interest of, different inclination, different in what they enjoy, what they're interested in.

00:21:21.354 --> 00:21:28.823
One of the key distinctions is how they operate and what they perceive as respectful behavior.

00:21:28.823 --> 00:21:30.455
So watch, here's a good example.

00:21:31.170 --> 00:21:37.954
A woman is baking cookies and her friend sees how she's doing it and she realizes that she would change the recipe or do things this way.

00:21:37.954 --> 00:21:38.758
It'll be more efficient.

00:21:38.758 --> 00:21:44.875
Naturally, because she's a good person and a caring person, she shares with her friend how she could do even better.

00:21:44.875 --> 00:21:48.380
But listen, your cookies are great, but if you would do X, Y and Z, it'd be even better.

00:21:48.380 --> 00:21:52.513
When she says those words, it's set out of love and concern, and a friend receives it that way.

00:21:52.513 --> 00:21:53.196
Okay, good.

00:21:53.829 --> 00:22:01.179
So I say to a woman, let's say you watch a guy changing a tire and you go over to him and say, hey, buddy, if you held the wrench this way, it'd be more efficient, you'd work better.

00:22:01.179 --> 00:22:03.179
What do you think his response is going to be?

00:22:03.179 --> 00:22:06.118
Oh, thank you so much for pointing that out.

00:22:06.118 --> 00:22:08.035
I think you're asking for a fist fight.

00:22:08.035 --> 00:22:08.576
Why is it?

00:22:08.576 --> 00:22:12.119
Because males do not appreciate unsolicited advice.

00:22:12.119 --> 00:22:12.973
Hey, listen, I got this.

00:22:12.973 --> 00:22:14.595
If I needed help, I'd ask for it.

00:22:15.830 --> 00:22:20.218
There's someone in my distant family, a woman, who, when she comes into the house, I try to leave.

00:22:20.218 --> 00:22:20.939
Why?

00:22:20.939 --> 00:22:22.760
Because she's so helpful.

00:22:22.760 --> 00:22:23.962
Man, I'm a little nervous.

00:22:23.962 --> 00:22:24.544
I got another time.

00:22:24.544 --> 00:22:25.224
I chose, I got this.

00:22:25.224 --> 00:22:26.692
I'm matured, I don't.

00:22:26.692 --> 00:22:27.755
She wants to help.

00:22:27.755 --> 00:22:28.698
That's very nice.

00:22:28.698 --> 00:22:31.635
Help you, all your girlfriends, Help all your late, but do me a favor.

00:22:31.635 --> 00:22:32.974
It's not well received.

00:22:33.509 --> 00:22:44.917
And if a woman doesn't learn to recognize that her husband is built differently than she is and what he considers respectful is very different than what she will consider respectful, if she doesn't learn his ins and outs, guess what?

00:22:44.917 --> 00:22:46.413
It's going to get very rough.

00:22:46.413 --> 00:22:49.558
But she's so nice and she's like why does he get all upset at me?

00:22:49.558 --> 00:22:52.839
All I do is point out how much better he can be at all he's doing because I love him.

00:22:52.839 --> 00:22:56.396
That's very nice and very sweet, but you're rubbing salt in his wounds.

00:22:56.396 --> 00:22:58.718
You're basically pouring vinegar into his eyes.

00:22:58.718 --> 00:23:01.310
I didn't do anything bad what I do.

00:23:02.013 --> 00:23:11.694
So unless you understand the basic differences between men and women, you're going to do many things in your marriage thinking you're doing good things, not recognizing the damage you're going to do.

00:23:11.694 --> 00:23:14.396
And one of the key distinction between men and women is respect.

00:23:14.396 --> 00:23:15.480
But it doesn't just stop there.

00:23:15.480 --> 00:23:21.958
It comes across the entire gamut of the human condition and you have to really learn to be a student of your spouse.

00:23:21.958 --> 00:23:29.715
By the way, one of the two most important words in a marriage, the hardest word to say in a marriage, is I was wrong, I wasn't right.

00:23:29.715 --> 00:23:33.416
I know I was wrong, she knows I was wrong.

00:23:33.416 --> 00:23:37.039
I know she knows I was wrong, but I can't say the word.

00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:39.037
So those have a short of hardest words to say.

00:23:39.490 --> 00:23:43.558
However, the most important words in a marriage are the words that's strange.

00:23:43.558 --> 00:23:44.701
That's strange.

00:23:44.701 --> 00:23:52.035
And the next time your spouse does something very, very inexplicable and we get angry, we get upset and we say things.

00:23:52.035 --> 00:24:01.781
If you're training yourself to say that's strange and you might learn to step back and then, with scientific curiosity, ask yourself this question why would you do that?

00:24:01.781 --> 00:24:03.455
She's a nice, kindly person.

00:24:03.455 --> 00:24:05.154
Why would she act so cruel?

00:24:05.154 --> 00:24:06.673
Why would she act so mean?

00:24:07.250 --> 00:24:17.163
When you step back and say to yourself that's strange, what you do is you open yourself up to actually understand the fundamentals of the emotional makeup of your spouse.

00:24:17.163 --> 00:24:18.375
But let me caution you.

00:24:18.375 --> 00:24:20.557
You say the words that's strange to yourself.

00:24:20.557 --> 00:24:25.839
You say that's strange and then you ask yourself is my husband a creep?

00:24:25.839 --> 00:24:28.453
No, Is he an evil guy?

00:24:28.453 --> 00:24:31.076
No, so why would he act so cruel and callous?

00:24:31.076 --> 00:24:43.474
The answer is maybe because he has a different experience than I, Maybe because he perceives things differently than I do and maybe because he means something totally different with what he said than the way I would mean when I said it.

00:24:43.474 --> 00:24:49.195
And when you step back and say that's strange, you begin to open yourself up to understand the emotional world of your spouse.

00:24:49.195 --> 00:24:55.034
So those words that's strange but said to yourself are one of the key expressions in a successful marriage.

00:24:56.190 --> 00:24:56.530
To be.

00:24:56.530 --> 00:24:59.979
It feels like the most sort of idea is to be at least mocked.

00:24:59.979 --> 00:25:03.798
Something's going on here, and maybe I should take a deep breath and think about this more.

00:25:05.933 --> 00:25:10.643
Yeah, and to recognize that my experience is the way I experience things.

00:25:10.643 --> 00:25:13.057
But my experience doesn't define reality.

00:25:13.057 --> 00:25:16.699
You will experience the very same phenomenon in a different way.

00:25:16.699 --> 00:25:21.401
You'll experience the same events and you'll feel about it differently.

00:25:21.401 --> 00:25:23.416
You'll look at it differently and you'll have a different approach.

00:25:23.416 --> 00:25:25.135
All you have to do is speak to a chavrusa.

00:25:25.135 --> 00:25:27.375
There was a chavrusa I learned for five years.

00:25:28.690 --> 00:25:32.520
There was no question in my mind that he would say things specifically to get me angry.

00:25:32.520 --> 00:25:34.757
I said things that were so ridiculous so I landed.

00:25:34.757 --> 00:25:37.698
I knew for a fact he could only be saying it to get me angry.

00:25:37.698 --> 00:25:40.136
The problem was, 60% of the time he was right.

00:25:40.136 --> 00:25:41.594
And well, why is it?

00:25:42.569 --> 00:25:45.740
Each human mind is different, as my face is different than your face.

00:25:45.740 --> 00:25:52.500
Gazelle tells us my mind is different, my mind meaning to say the way I look at things, the way I perceive things, the way I think about things.

00:25:52.500 --> 00:25:59.045
So two men of the same gender who learn together, are going to look at the same thing and view it totally differently.

00:25:59.045 --> 00:26:11.378
Can you imagine how much more so when it's a man and a woman who are opposite in nature, different tendencies, inclination and the essence of who they are, and they both live through the same phenomena, they're going to view it very differently.

00:26:11.569 --> 00:26:20.273
And unless you're able to step back and say that's strange, why would my wife, who's normally nice and good, why would she act that way and why would she carry on that way?

00:26:20.273 --> 00:26:20.855
Why, why?

00:26:20.855 --> 00:26:27.173
So unless I'm able to step back and ask myself that question, I'm going to reach some conclusions that are unfair.

00:26:27.173 --> 00:26:34.316
She's either, she's mean, she's nasty, or she's emotional wreck or whatever, whatever demonic phrase we put in there.

00:26:34.316 --> 00:26:45.361
But the point is to understand that my experience is the way I experience it, but that doesn't mean that my spouse shares that same experience is one of the keys to a successful marriage.

00:26:46.029 --> 00:27:05.650
One of the most enjoyable anecdotes in the book that is, one that I bring up facetiously in my marriage quite often is the story of the couple that is visiting with you and when the husband walks out of the room and walks back in, the kala stands up for her husband.

00:27:05.650 --> 00:27:16.234
That's something that I've, you know, tried to enact in my life, but no respect you talk about respect.

00:27:16.675 --> 00:27:18.113
Yeah, yeah, but did that go?

00:27:18.113 --> 00:27:19.416
How well did that go over?

00:27:19.517 --> 00:27:20.038
I don't know.

00:27:21.010 --> 00:27:21.673
That's so well, huh.

00:27:23.671 --> 00:27:26.273
That's so well, huh, so here's a great secret.

00:27:26.890 --> 00:27:27.230
You meet.

00:27:27.230 --> 00:27:31.589
When you learn to meet her needs, she'll desperately desire to meet your needs.

00:27:31.589 --> 00:27:42.141
I mean you have to understand what her needs are and she has to understand your needs and that's the learning part, that's the educational piece and that's the opening your eyes to understand life better part of it.

00:27:42.141 --> 00:27:47.836
But once you understand that and you learn to meet her needs, she will do everything in her power to meet your needs.

00:27:47.836 --> 00:27:55.619
Now again, the problem is without an education, each party doesn't understand what the other one needs and they provide for the opposite gender with their own way.

00:27:55.619 --> 00:27:57.676
I would like it and guess what?

00:27:57.676 --> 00:27:59.250
It's not the way she likes it.

00:27:59.250 --> 00:28:11.694
So, no matter how much I provide that and, by the way, one of the favorite anecdotes in the book that I still to the person who married 36 years and I mentioned this in the book and it's still ongoing Shabbat's morning typically I get up very early.

00:28:11.736 --> 00:28:12.518
The house is quiet.

00:28:12.518 --> 00:28:13.400
I learn it's a machaya.

00:28:13.400 --> 00:28:16.599
A few hours later in the morning I bring my wife a coffee in bed.

00:28:16.599 --> 00:28:18.530
She likes to have a coffee in bed To this day.

00:28:18.530 --> 00:28:20.898
I make the coffee and prepare the coffee.

00:28:20.898 --> 00:28:23.978
I reach in the refrigerator for the creamer and have to stop.

00:28:23.978 --> 00:28:26.134
Now I want to give my wife a good cup of coffee.

00:28:26.134 --> 00:28:28.915
Everyone knows that creamer makes it taste better.

00:28:28.915 --> 00:28:32.251
At least 4% fat milk you got to write.

00:28:32.251 --> 00:28:34.939
The skim milk doesn't even turn the yeah nothing Right.

00:28:35.970 --> 00:28:37.355
The problem is my wife doesn't like it.

00:28:37.355 --> 00:28:40.733
She likes her coffee with skim milk and to this day I have to.

00:28:40.733 --> 00:28:42.058
But I want to give her a good cup of coffee.

00:28:42.058 --> 00:28:43.516
Why can't you just taste it?

00:28:43.516 --> 00:28:44.692
It tastes so much better.

00:28:44.692 --> 00:28:51.741
But understanding that my experience doesn't define reality is a condition that we all have to learn.

00:28:51.741 --> 00:28:52.564
It's part of growth.

00:28:52.564 --> 00:28:55.270
And again, barchem, this is 36 years now, barchem.

00:28:55.270 --> 00:28:55.913
We're happily married.

00:28:55.913 --> 00:28:58.701
But I'm telling you, it's a constant ongoing process.

00:28:58.701 --> 00:28:59.914
So really it's two points.

00:28:59.914 --> 00:29:12.346
Even if you have good meadows and even if you only to work on it, if you don't understand the needs of your spouse, you can't possibly meet those needs and you're going to inadvertently cause a lot of damage, a lot of disruption to your marriage.

00:29:13.671 --> 00:29:18.297
The entire book is in my mind when I think about it.

00:29:18.297 --> 00:29:21.420
It flashes back to the six.

00:29:21.420 --> 00:29:25.384
Really dumb mistake that is trying to change your spouse.

00:29:26.490 --> 00:29:39.645
At first I did not understand it, or perhaps agree with it, because, well, let's say that my wife is someone that you know she could use the chisok in this area.

00:29:39.645 --> 00:29:44.240
Why not a good misilastia shorim havrusa about the importance of X, Y or Z?

00:29:44.240 --> 00:29:51.203
And here you put forth in the book that do not help your wife or I'm just giving a.

00:29:51.203 --> 00:29:53.950
Obviously you can explain it better, but do not try to change them.

00:29:53.950 --> 00:29:59.696
Don't give them mustard shmuzim, Just accept and let it be.

00:29:59.696 --> 00:30:03.423
Please, please, explain this, because it is a hard one.

00:30:04.451 --> 00:30:04.711
Okay.

00:30:04.711 --> 00:30:06.335
So let's begin with the following.

00:30:06.335 --> 00:30:10.603
Again, here's invariably what I need to change in my spouse.

00:30:10.603 --> 00:30:14.036
It's going to be in my strength and her weakness.

00:30:14.036 --> 00:30:17.742
So again, let's go back to the on time or late thing or the need, then the sloppy.

00:30:17.742 --> 00:30:21.660
I see how important it is, so I can't help but point it out.

00:30:21.660 --> 00:30:22.912
So here's the question.

00:30:23.334 --> 00:30:28.208
I pointed it out to my spouse and I made it clear and it's obvious to me why doesn't she just change?

00:30:28.208 --> 00:30:29.029
Why doesn't she just do it?

00:30:29.029 --> 00:30:32.584
I told my wife once, twice, three attend, 100 times.

00:30:32.584 --> 00:30:34.029
I thought why doesn't she just change?

00:30:34.029 --> 00:30:36.477
And the reason is because that's her nature.

00:30:36.477 --> 00:30:41.029
Inverably, what I want to change is a very essence of her temperament, her nature, inclination.

00:30:41.029 --> 00:30:44.019
People have ADD are just that's how the wired.

00:30:44.019 --> 00:30:47.327
And people who are very, you know, anxious, that's how the wired.

00:30:47.327 --> 00:30:48.029
They're not going to change.

00:30:48.029 --> 00:30:49.076
You have to work on it.

00:30:49.076 --> 00:30:50.949
If I'm better coping mechanisms, fine, I get it.

00:30:50.949 --> 00:30:55.435
But at the end of the day that's the nature of the person Almost always.

00:30:55.476 --> 00:30:58.066
What we're trying to change in our spouse is their very nature.

00:30:58.066 --> 00:30:58.428
And guess what?

00:30:58.428 --> 00:30:59.029
It's not going to change.

00:30:59.029 --> 00:31:06.857
But it's so easy for me, exactly Because that's your temperament, that's your wiring, that's how you're built and it's easy for you.

00:31:06.857 --> 00:31:09.705
And that's why because it's so easy for you you want to help your spouse change.

00:31:09.705 --> 00:31:15.009
But she's not built that way, she's not made that way and it's near impossible for her to change.

00:31:15.009 --> 00:31:17.816
And the more you point it out, the more you wreck the damage.

00:31:17.816 --> 00:31:21.682
See, it never changes the character trait and never changes the behavior.

00:31:21.682 --> 00:31:24.073
All it does is wreck the relationship.

00:31:24.493 --> 00:31:31.585

From Newlyweds to Golden Years: Rabbi Shafier's Marital Advice

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