Behaaloscha – (Unfiltered) Sadistic Pride

It had simply become a game. I can still vividly picture the classroom. I can remember myself walking into Mrs Berenack's eighth grade math class. It was the last classroom on the left side down that long hallway. I remember where the desks were, how the chairs were set up, and I remember sitting in the class, not excited about integers or all that, interested in PEMDAS and whether you do multiplication first or division first, solving for X none of it mattered to me at that place and time. But all that did matter was that the clock was ticking, it was hot in the classroom and I didn't want to be there. So I looked for an escape. I thought, well, maybe I need to go to the bathroom. Let me use that one. So I raised my hand and said Mrs Berenack, i need to go to the restroom. To which she responds You just came back from the bathroom. So then I think what now? What can I do? Oh yeah, mrs Berenack, i need to get a drink. And she says you have a water bottle on your desk. After a couple more failed escape attempts probably because Mrs Berenack saw right through my need for fake Advil, for a fake headache it just didn't work. I had to resort to some desperate measures. It crossed my mind, but I really thought that it just might work. Maybe I should pull the fire alarm. That'll do it For sure. We'll all have to leave the classroom and then definitely I'll be free. I won't have to sit through this math class anymore. Thank God, i pulled myself together and realized why. That was simply insane. So I then did what I always do, which is resort to throwing M&Ms at my twin brother who sat across the classroom. The frightening part of this comical episode is that it feels exactly like what Rashi is describing. It was the intent, in the mindset of these complainers, of Parshash Baaloscha At the beginning of chapter 11, mp Yud'alavvayahihom Kimisoyinim raboozneh Hashem vayishmah Hashem vayihar apoy vativar bom eish Hashem vatoychal begesay ha macheneh. The people took to seeking complaints. It was evil in the ears of Hashem and Hashem heard and his wrath flared And a fire of Hashem burned against them and it consumed them at the edge of the camp. Rashi picks up on this awesome insight that anyone could read right through, but of course nothing goes unnoticed by the saintly Rashi Hakkados. Rashi says and finds that it doesn't say they were complaining vayihihom, and it was that the nation was KIIIS MISOYINIM like complainers. Arch-girl translates beautifully The people took to seeking complaints. Listen to this, rashi, it can send chills down your spine. Ain MISOYINIM ELALUSHIN. Alila MISOYINIM can only mean a word for a plot, a search to overthrow the norm, and want chaos, want to be free, want out of the math classroom. Mevakshim alila Rashi continues. They sought an excuse, a complaint, an order. To then heikh lifroshmeh chayreha makim, how to distance themselves from the omnipresent. And it's clear because, if you actually look at their complaint, they were asking, complaining. We want meat, give us steak, we want a ribeye. But just a couple seconds before this, the puzzle tells us Umikne rav hayalakhem. It seems like they had a whole bunch of meat. They definitely could have taken from Shavit Ruvane. Perhaps he would have been nice enough, kind enough, to give them some meat. Seems like they had meat. Why are you complaining for meat? And furthermore, don't you know that they had endless amounts of mun, a food that was magical, that could taste like anything that you want, and most definitely the best five star restaurants. Steak You could have it medium rare, well done Montreal steak, seasoning all over it, salt, pepper and olive oil. However you want your steak, you're gonna get it. So what are they complaining about, says Rashi? Meeked was just the excuse to start chaos, to start a distraction, to plot any which way that they could be free from their obligations and separate from the Almighty. From this chaf, rashi found it all K'eh. They were like complaining, because they weren't really complaining. Their complaint was merely Mevakshim alila. They were searching for chaos, plotting for upheaval. This word is used at those horrible times in history called the blood liables, where Gentile nations would make up stories how the red blood used in matzos or some of the wine, whatever they would say came from babies that the Jewish people would kill. Total fabrications, total fantasies and lies, but just there to stir the pot, to try to make everyone turn against the Jewish people, for chaos. What's worse, that a person, god forbid, could use this, even in his own service of Hashem and never even know it. A person could really believe that he's not complaining, he's actually doing something good, he's paving his road towards heaven, olim habah. But in fact it's Mevakshim alila. Subconsciously It's really going. Yardeduma Abiruchim describes when that famous fire was raging in the city of Kelm. It was a scary time because all the houses were made of wood and the students of Kelm in the Talmud Torah were sprinting to bring buckets to try to put out the fire so it would not reach that Talmud Torah of Kelm and burn it to the ground. God forbid. And in the true Kelm spirit, one of the top premier students turned to Abiruchim and said I notice that I'm not running at full speed to get water because I'd be okay if the Talmud Torah burned down. How could you say that? Abiruchim said Because it's hard, because, mazbih, i can't just go home now and see my wife and kids go on vacation. It'd be embarrassing. What are you doing in the middle of this man? My friends would look at me. But if the base measures was no longer here, if there was some chaos, if there was some disorder, however that came about, even though, yes, it's horrible and I wish I didn't think like this, but the thought did cross my mind If the Talmud Torah were to no longer be here, by whatever crazy events, then I would have Some vacation, i could go home, i could relax and not have to be under the watchful eye of the altar of Kelm and always seeking character, perfection, learning perfection and pushing myself so hard. It's a frightening truth And Birochem explains to us that we can do, say, act, function in many different ways with the perfect intentions we think, but it all could, if we get in touch with our subconscious motives, figure out that it is Mevakshem alila, god forbid. I noticed this in my own avaitis Hashem. It has kind of been something that I've been doing, that I bring single-dollar bills to Shul that if there's Sudaka to give, i have singles ready to go, like a little zipper pocket full of some dollar bills, and that way I can give a dollar to each person and it seems like the Ram Bams has like that. If you give more times you're like changing your inside. So I try to do the dollar bills and a lot of times it does good things. But then one time a group of Aniham, of people that were collecting money for good causes, came into the Shul and he tapped on my shoulder while I was dawning, asking for some charity, some Sudaka to help him out. He was in a pinch in a bind and I went down and felt for a dollar bill and I realized that I didn't have that little purse of money with me And I turned to him. I was like, ah, i'm sorry, rabiya, i'm so sorry I don't have, i don't have on me a different time. I'm sorry, but when I thought about it, was I really sad that I didn't have it? Or was my motives or were my subconscious thoughts kind of happy? Okay, i don't have to do it today, i can finally keep some of my money. I escaped. I felt relieved. I called myself. I was frightening. I'm actually my Lila. I thought I was really speaking to this person who was in a bind and telling him I'm sorry, but perhaps it wasn't Peh Vileboy Shovem. My mouth was singing one tune, but my heart a totally different song. This concept rears its angry head during a famous story in Safer Bracias When Eliezer, the trusted eved, was sent to find a shiddah for Yitzchak. And when the story is told over, it tells us that Eliezer told his master Ulay perhaps I will not find a suitable match for Yitzchak. And later on, when he's again in the Torah's retelling what Eliezer said to when he eventually met the prospective Shiddah's father, he told over the whole story of Ulay. I told my master that maybe I wasn't going to find anything and there's an extra vuv, or it seems like this vuv is out of place And Rashi picks up on this one letter there in the word v'Ulay, and maybe I won't find a shiddah. And Rashi says because Eliezer actually had a daughter, and when he was suggesting to his master that perhaps I won't find a shiddah and I won't be a suitable nebuch, really in his heart he was thinking well then, maybe Yitzchak will have to marry my daughter, zeh lo pe vilibay shove. One thing came out of the mouth, yet the heart was thinking something entirely different Alila plotting, and we could never say this about such giants. But this is what Rashi says over there. She says that he had ulterior motives and in 2023, when we find ourselves I hope that you don't even know this, but it keeps popping up on The side of the screen when I'm trying to upload the podcast some ad for pride month, which is some rainbow flag supporting the acceptance of perverse cultures of society. And what immediately leapt to mind was Remember how we spoke about the flag of the Jewish people, each tribe at their own Insignia, certain colors. Remember how we said and we saw Rashi that Yehuda had a lion on his flag because he was a leader, his Degel, and we all have a Degel. And then, when you look at this rainbow flag, it's promoting. Even the colors are nauseating. The font is hard to look at. This organization, this movement markets itself on the notion, on the ideals of peace, love and happiness, but it's one big mevakshem alila. It's one big Hector to try to get accepted, to continue and further morally sadistic and perverse actions. We want to be accepted so that we can continue our sinning ways. It should make a person's fire burn inside of him with a ruachkina. Like pinchots They're shopping kids into this. They're trying to make it accepted and okay and it's destroying youth Jewish, not Jewish Acceptance, the pride How can you say pride about it? It's a plot, it's a cover-up. It's mevakshem alila. So What's good and where we can maybe use this idea to Promote good ideas and to be in touch with ourselves is to think, to really get in touch with the motives behind our actions. Why is it that we do what we do? What's pushing me to do this? It's important that we learn ourselves. You feel about your mafash face in the drive and Why it is that I go learn, why it is that I create this big party, why it is that I do what I do. Is it with good intentions, is it with subconsciously good intentions or is it Really my pet? my mouth is saying one thing in my heart is involved in something else The Almighty. He cares about the heart, the motives. Rachmana, libba boy, the abuser wants your heart. He wants you involved. He wants you really searching good things. He wants us being honest with ourselves, checking into ourselves. Why are we doing things? Why does the world at large do things? When I was sitting in that eighth grade classroom, i didn't want a drink of water. I didn't need to use the restroom again. I didn't have a headache. I didn't need no Advil. I just wanted to Create chaos, destruction. I Wanted freedom. I wanted out. But with this knowledge We can get in touch with ourselves. We can get in touch with our atsmi of our eye, and when you do that, you can put your motives in a mikva, you can clarify and jump out. You can get into morally proper paths that are Built on good things, promoting good things, being a part of good things. We can become a group of people that has taken the lesson from those that perished in the midbar, the key mis-ononym, the like complainers, and We can turn ourselves into those that are MIVAC, shim, ms, that are searching for truth, that are my vacay, that are searching, that want the will of the Almighty and For good things to reign in the world.