Parshas Chayei Sarah: Overcoming Shalom Bayis Failures, Mastering Shidduchim, and Discovering the Divine Blueprint for Marriage

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Depending upon the status of your marriage.

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The following words are either the beginning of paradise, harmony and matrimony, or the beginning of a cruel and disastrous reality.

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As Perich Avdalad Pasagimel, that Shidduchim begins, that marriage begins.

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That man, that man being Avraham Avinu, commands his servant, the one who is in charge of his house and all of his possessions, his accountant, if you will, to swear to him by the God of the heavens and the God of earth, that you pick a good Shidduch for my boy, my little Yitzhakl.

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Only the best will do, boy, my little Yitzhakl, only the best will do.

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I want to make sure that the Midos are there, I want to make sure that they get along well, I want to make sure that she's from a good family and I really want to make sure she's not a part of any bad crew or a part of a cursed nation.

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And as is the custom, being an individual who graduated from Yeshivas Mir, the custom in Mir, always on Parshas Chai Yisora, is to dissect the entire episode the finding of a shidduch, the very first shidduch in the beginning of marriage, to peel it apart limb by limb, to try to glean every possible insight about what to look for in a spouse, about how to go about finding your spouse and how to improve the relationship that one has with their spouse to solidify it as a bias.

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Ne'em on be Yisrael.

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So every letter is turned over and every single response to every question and every inquiry of our Parsha will be going underneath the microscope for us to try to understand.

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So today, with that being the job, I want to present to you three crucial, with that being the job, I want to present to you three crucial beliefs and mindsets that a person should have while searching for a significant other, a partner.

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Things to keep in mind in Shidduchim and, for those of us that are married, how to stay married, and stay married in a happy, tranquil, serene, peace-filled and exciting marriage.

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These are not the only three that it will take, but these are three of the never-ending lists of foundational teachings that one needs to be happily married.

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But three is a good start.

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The first yesod is very, very clear, not from just our parasha, but from the Torah itself, if we break down the entire essence of marriage, why it is that people get married and where does it actually come from.

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Because we are individuals that seek to follow the divine commandments.

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Where does marriage begin?

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Starts with the creation of Adam and Eve.

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Second chapter, 24th Pesach Al-Kain.

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The Pesuk tells us Al-Kain.

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Therefore, therefore, where's the Pasuk concluding this?

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It's being concluded from the reality that Adam and Havah got married.

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This is what Hashem told Adam and Havah to do.

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God literally created his Shidduch out of thin air or out of his own rib and said get married and live a life and become one flesh, get to know each other and therefore the Torah commands and everyone should take a page out of Adam and Havah's playbook and get married.

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Al-kain.

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Therefore, since Adam and Havah got married, everyone get married and become one flesh.

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The question I heard the great Revolba ask Al-Kain, therefore, since Adham and Chava got married, everyone get married and become one flesh.

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The question I heard the great Revolba ask.

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The great Revolba, who wrote the Al-Ishar his grandson hosts a great podcast in Houston.

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Really intellectual and brilliant fellow and a real righteous person.

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He asks, citing his grandfather, if we're to learn marriage and how to build happy marriages.

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You don't think maybe we can learn it from a couple that didn't kind of mess up in their shalom bias to a point that it wrecked the whole world and really brought about death into the world, because what happened at the end of Aduvin Chava's marriage?

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Well, it wasn't a 50th silver, gold wedding anniversary on a cruise in the Caribbean, but far from that, chava takes fruit.

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But far from that, chava takes fruit and perhaps the snake.

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So another person is chatting with her, frolicking with her.

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She goes with the snake, falls for his tails, then brings her husband down into catastrophe.

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Adam ends up blaming Chava to Hashem Ha'isha, hashem Osata, the woman that you gave me, gave me from this tree of knowledge.

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Everyone is pointing fingers and everything goes up in smoke.

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They had many children after that, but life was never the same.

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Forever clothes need to be created in order to now make up for the glaring nakedness of everyone.

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But this is the end of marriage and al-qayn yazov, and therefore see everyone how great marriage is.

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Everyone's got to get married, as we saw, adam and Chava did.

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Freq Revolba.

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Why not wait to learn from Abraham and Sarah?

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How about learn from that beautiful, peaceful marriage where Abraham was?

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They all were making people religious, cooking up soups for the homeless, making people religious, cooking up soups for the homeless, building up other people.

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They complemented each other constantly.

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We learn about all these stories of the angels that came to their house and how Shekhinah dwelled inside of their tent.

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Why not wait for the Avraham and Chava narrative, Avraham and Sarah narrative and then, and only then, command that everyone should get married?

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This leads us to the first crucial point of building a successful marriage.

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The Asaid is because we can only learn marriage from Adam and Chava, because marriage is about creating that there is only one individual of the other species in the entire world and I only have eyes for that person.

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Marriage is about creating a reality where my home, my husband, my wife, that is the definition of boy, the definition of girl, a yichud, a modesty and a privacy and a connection that there's only one girl in the world, there's only one boy in the world and that's my spouse.

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It's a very, very passionate essay of mine.

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In mitzvah 582, out of the 613 mitzvos of the Sefer HaChinach, as he's counting all the mitzvos.

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It's about the mitzvah she yismach hachosan im ishto shana achas there's.

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It's about the mitzvah.

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There's a mitzvah called Shana Rishonah, where the commandment is that a man is not able to leave the city, not able to go on long business trips, but he must gladify Not sure if that's a word Rejoice and really build up his relationship with his new wife.

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You can't be drafted to the army, you can't go on a long guy's ski trip One entire year, 365 days.

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And why, why?

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What is the importance and the maybe we'll say psychological and philosophical underpinnings of this?

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Mitzvah Mishor shei ha-mitzvah Ki ha-kel baruch hu Allah, b'machshava lefanov, livros ha-olam?

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God conjured up the idea to create the world, v'chevzo shei ishashiv b'briyos tovos ha-noldos, mizachro nekeva, and that the species should recreate itself between man and woman coming together.

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She is davgu beheksher.

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It should be all in purity.

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Ki hazenus toy evasi lefanov, because any sort of licentiousness is repulsive in the eyes of Hashem.

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Alkein gozer aleinu ha'am asher bochra liyos nikra alshamo.

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Therefore, god commanded the Jewish people she nisha v'emo, isha ha'miuchedes lanu.

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Rather, you should sit and build your relationship with the woman who is special for you In order to establish healthy children, and you should be there for one full, entire year.

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For what purpose?

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Why was Shana Rishona created In English?

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So that the person should become accustomed.

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His nature, his heart, his desires, they're all for this one person and to bring into his heart the image and every action inside of his heart.

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For that species is only that person.

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I only have seen one man or one woman for one year.

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It becomes so ingrained in your DNA and Teva that that is woman, that is man and any other individual, your husband or wife's friends.

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They are Isha Zara.

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They're not even a woman, not a man.

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There's only one in my life, and like this, that breeds a healthy marriage which produces healthy children.

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Shonari Shona is about creating a privacy, a connection.

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Marriage is about building up that.

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There is only one girl in the world for me.

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There is only one girl in the world for me.

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There is only one man in the world for me.

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That lesson, there's only one couple that we can learn it from.

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And that's when there was no people in the world except for Adam and Hava, literally the only male in the world and the only female.

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The importance of only having eyes for one's own spouse cannot be overstated.

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The comparing of spouses, the comparing of other spouses' midos, how she looks or how he learns, or how this one has this fancy thing it is a cancer for anyone that seeks a harmonious marriage In the future, and perhaps even five to ten years into a marriage.

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If problems arise in any area, often it can be traced back to a failure to capitalize and perform Shana Rishonah correctly, because if they did, if the yichod, if the connection is solid in a home, if man and woman both screw their heads on straight and make their relationship to be like one of Adam and Chava, then most likely they never would have even bumped into this new hiccup.

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Number two you just read one more parak, or a parak and a half, almost two prakam.

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You bump into another pasuk about marriage.

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The Torah tells us V'ha'adam yodah eschava ishto.

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Adam knew his wife.

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Hmm, he knew his wife.

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V'taher v'tehlet eskain.

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Oh, then they had a child.

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Rashi explains, onkelis explains, translates that yodah Adam, knowing his wife, is really a Lashon of marrying her and procreating with her.

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But the Nitziv, the great Rosh Yeshiva of Valazhin and his safer A McDover's commentary on the Torah points out it's interesting, don't you think, roi Ladas?

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You should know that every person who thinks of Lashon as a Yodah, with Hashem as his wife, marriage procre.

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Torah points out it's interesting, don't you think, roi Ladas?

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You should know.

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Shebekol makam dichsev belashen yediyah Gabi tashvish hamita.

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Marriage procreation is always described as knowing.

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Marriage procreation is described as knowing your spouse, knowing your spouse as knowing your spouse, knowing your spouse.

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I hear my Rabbein and my Rashi Yeshivas drilling this into me in their Musser Shmuzim, their orations of chastisement and rebuke that marriage is about getting to know the other player.

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What is my wife's favorite food?

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Do you know that?

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Can you answer that question?

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Does she like going on ski trips or does he or she like to go to a sunny tropical environment for vacation?

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What's their favorite holiday of the year?

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What do they enjoy doing on Shabbos?

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What can I do to then promote their happiness in life?

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On my first Shidduch date with my holy Robinson, it was very hot outside and I decided I would get some Slurpees, because slurpees are always a winner.

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Coke one flavor, cherry another flavor, and I was very excited about the two different slurpees that I placed in front of us.

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I quickly grabbed the red one because I'm not a big Coca-Cola fan Probably poor Midos.

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But I was able to sneak by.

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But eventually I learned that it was totally backwards Because my holy Robinson likes red Slurpees.

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Red is the favorite color of her candy, Red is her favorite flavor of Slurpee.

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But I had no idea.

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So while a person could attempt to be kind, considerate and benevolent, but if you don't yada, if you do not know the other person, you will brutally fail and go tumbling down the mountain of a terrible marriage.

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Rachman Yatzlan, heaven forbid.

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Yada, god wants us to get to know the other person and to come together as one.

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So take time to think about it.

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Take time, even if you are married, to play those dating games, those couples games, to get to know the other person, get to know their struggles, get to know the other person, get to know their struggles, get to know their achievements, get to know all of the great memories that they've made in the past and get to know where they want to go.

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Yada, know them.

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Number three, and perhaps number three, comes to us at a time that is very auspicious, because it is the time that we are to be reading parashat Chai Yisrael.

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But this midah, this attribute that we are to discuss in marriage, it's very much the glue that keeps the marriage firing on all cylinders.

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It's Parshas Chaisar, it's our Parsha of the week, it's in Chavdalid, that is 24 and Pesach 67.

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All the way.

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At the very end of this incredible Shidduch happening, where Eliezer travels to go and find a wife for his master Avraham's son and his name is Yitzchak, and Rivka then agrees to follow Eliezer back home, the famous episode where they finally lock eyes and Yitzchak is going out to Davin Mencha and Rivka sees Yitzchak and then falls off of her camel or donkey whatever she was riding, maybe she lowered herself down.

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Ultimately, the couple was introduced, they had their basho, they met Sarah's mother and Yitzchak brought Sarah into his house and he took her and he married her and Yitzchak became consoled in his mother's departing, in his mother's death, in his new wife named Rivka, and in the very translation of the very simple and straightforward words of he took her and now Rivka became a wife for Yitzchak.

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Yitzchak uncle, the definitive Aramaic translation and the translation of the Torah that was given at Sinai Targum, onkelos, a precious Chavdal at Samach Zion, says the following and then Yitzchak brought his wife into his home and instead of saying right away that the translation is that he married her, onkelah says he saw that, behold, this girl's deeds were good like the deeds of his mother.

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And then he married Rivka and Rivka became his wife.

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The translation of Ayikach is Rivka is that he brought her into the tent and saw that she had good needles like his mother.

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Zokt Briska Rab says the holy and his say for Antoira that you could have miracles upon miracles happening on your journey to find your Shidduch.

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You could have billboards going off that say the couple's name, you could have water fountains just miraculously turning on and sprouting water, like happens in this miraculous episode.

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But no matter the amount of miracles and supernatural occurrences, if you don't see good mitos, if you don't see meritorious deeds, If you have faulty character traits, then it's not a shidduch and it's not a marriage.

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Well, it is a marriage, but it's not a shidduch and it's not a marriage.

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Well, it is a marriage, but it's not a peaceful one, because, after all the miracles that happened on this shidduch date, the grizz the brisker of points out, the Yitzchak still waited to see good midos.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it sometimes gets overstated or just falls into the crowd of all the other important factors of marriage.

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It's all about midos, midot, tovot, and I always love to point out in the story, when looking for a shidduch, eliezer, what is his sign that Rivka, or that the proper shidduch has been found.

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It is as if she has good mitos of the water.

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She asks to fill water and gives the jugs of pails of water to the animals and she's a giving person, she's a sharing person and she's very, very easygoing.

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He doesn't even ask if she's Jewish.

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Do you believe in the Abrahamic faith and monotheism?

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No questions about that.

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Haskopha questions.

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Do you watch movies?

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Do you smoke cigarettes?

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Oh, nothing of the like.

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Tikkun ha-middos perfection of character and the ability and the necessary obligation to ceaselessly break bad midos and build up good ones.

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That's the goal of marriage and what one should probably put at the top of his list and what to look for in a significant other.

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You should ask how do I figure that out?

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You should ask how do I figure that out?

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Well, normally you can figure out somebody's mitos, not from the date itself, because everyone puts on their best behavior, but normally from the type of friends that they have, because miserable, self-centered people aren't very popular.

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You probably could also figure out from previous roommates, if you press hard enough by asking the right questions, if that person is one of those people that won't share their water bottles, even though they have a 24 pack, if you know what I mean.

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It's about midos in marriage, the whole thing, an experiment, a laboratory to break midos, to give in, to be mavater to your wife, to be mavater to your husband, to not care that somebody has wronged you, to forgive, to be compassionate, to have eyes for what they want, to not be self-centered, to together, not be complacent, to build more To enrich others' lives.

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Breaking of midos constantly.

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It may be a very good idea to gamify the whole breaking me dose To turn it into some sort of competitive game with your spouse when let's see who can be Mvater, let's see who can give more.

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I beat you, no, you beat me this time.

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Let's see who can cool off from their temper or their jealousy more quickly, who can be more calm.

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A game, a competition, anything to promote and live together in a way of breaking mitos as a very fulcrum of a happy marriage.

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Fulcrum of a happy marriage.

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It might even be a good idea to have a chavrusa together, boy and girl, a married couple learning to try to stay focused about tikkun ha-amidahs together.

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Learn, learn English translations, learn, just so you stay focused that breaking bad middos and promoting good ones is what is going to be the glue that we can create to build a biased MNB Israel.

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Ladies and gentlemen, these three things to create a reality that your spouse is the only one of, that engendered endangered species left in the world.

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There's only one boy or one girl in the world that mindset necessary, yoda, is ishto, to know your spouse, to get to really know them, what makes them tick either tick in a good way or tick off in a bad way.

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Necessary, and to obsess over always breaking your own bad character traits and to incessantly and to obsess over always breaking your own bad character traits and to incessantly promote good habits, good character traits, good midos Necessary.

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So I hope we take this to heart and give it our best shot.

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Refresh ourselves in these areas Because, whether you are pre-Brie Trothel or you have already espoused, already gotten married and seeking to solidify a happy marriage that's based on Torah values, consider these important facts and these lessons taught to us by the Holy Torah that are really crucial for building a home where Hashem's presence can dwell.

Parshas Chayei Sarah: Overcoming Shalom Bayis Failures, Mastering Shidduchim, and Discovering the Divine Blueprint for Marriage

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